The Suicidal Shinobi

[Lost Prophet]

Its been a year since sasuke left Orochimaru for Konoha again. He was wrong to expect a warm welcome. Not only was he bloodily beaten, but he was forced to live with his brother who had recently cam hom too. He now was an extreme case of an emo.

Every day went by, sasuke grew sadder. What made him this upset, is not known by many, but those that do know, feel his pain. Somedays, he can live through without that many suicidal thoughts. Others, however, are hell for him. He once had friends. He finds himself losing more and more by the day. He doesn't care, he says. However, it doesn't seem that way.

Sasuke:"my life, why is i this hard. Every moment, it's, too much. why can't I kill myself now? Get it over with? Why can't I finally just kill him?"

Naruto:"It's because you suck, and you are living with some middle aged fag."

Sasuke:*sigh*

Naruto threw some crap at him, and kicked him in the nuts. He then walked away. Sasuke fell to the ground, and began to cry uncontrollably. After sever minutes, he slowly rose to his feet, wiped his eyes, and walked home. He decided to take a shower.

Sasuke:"oh, why must I be so alone and hated?"

sasuke cleaned off the crap, and started to stare into space. Something shiny caught his eye.

Sasuke:"Finally, I can get this over with...."

sasuke cut his wrists, and waited a while. He winced in pain for a while, but finally got used to the pain, and held on. At that moment, Itachi bursted into the room, taped up sasukes wrists, and kicked him out a window.

Itachi:"emo bitch! haha! I wont let u do that until you can kill me!"

Sasuke:*sigh*"This is too much!:

sasuke rose to his feet, and froze in his tracks. He was naked, and unfortunately for him, a crowd of fangirls were at the scene.

Fangirls:"SASUKE!! YEEEH! YOU ARE SOOOO SEXY! LET ME BE WITH YOU!"

Sasuke:"crap......of all people, why are they the only ones that care about me?"

sasuke sprinted into his house, and locked the door. The huge group was knocking heavily on the door. Itachi saw sasuke, took a moment to think about the situation, and laughed.

Itachi:"hehe, your life sucks."

Sasuke:"I know...."

Itachi:"I know, let me see how much worse I can make it!"

Itachi grabbed sasuke, and threw him out the window, onto the crpwd of fangirls. Sasuke was severly raped by the group, and left for dead by the crowd. Sasuke, realizing his life was a brutal mess, crawled inside, got dressed, and went outside again. He began to walk out of Konoha.

Sasuke:"I need to find somebody who can help me..."

sasuke walked out of the Konoha, and began his trip. He walked for hundreds of miles, swam for what seemed like foreer, climbed canyons, and finally, grew tired. He passed out from fatigue. HE woke up in a strange place.

Sasuke:"where am I?"

Gaara:"You are in my home."

Sasuke:"what the hell? how did I get here?"

Gaara:"I found you in the village while I was taking a walk."

Sasuke:"oh...thanks.."

Gaara:"no problem."

Sasuke:("maybe he can help me....")

Sasuke:"hey gaara, I was wondering. I am very depressed, and nobody likes me. What should I do?"

Gaara: *smirk* "I know just the thing. We shall start tomorrow."

[Canthinkofaname]

im not sure if thats supposed to be funny, or serious. so ill just say, its seriously funny

[AK47]

funnay! gaara gonna go hawt and sweaty i hope!

[Lost Prophet]

Chapter 2

Sasuke started to stare at the ceiling with a neverending glare, as gaara shut the door. Now, sasuke is known to be a deep thinker, but this was out of control. He practically stared a hole through the ceiling with his sharingan eyes. Something was bothering him, even more than usual. It may have been that book of love, written by his brother, torn at each page, on the ceiling, or maybe the used tampon dangling. What we do know is that there definitely was something on his mind.

Sasuke:("what a sexy beast....that gaara. what a hunk. that hair, those lovely eyes. uggh, why didnt I think of that gorgeous creature when I was alone in the forest with him!? I NEED to stay with him.")

sasukes finally fell asleep, and woke to find gaara hanging upside down on the ceiling.

sasuke:"what the hell are you doing?"

gaara:"waiting for you to rise up, and get ready."

Sasuke:"oh" ("hes watching me sleep. oh, he digs me.")

gaara:"well, Ill help you, but on one condition."

sasuke:"what?"

gaara:"be my little slave..."

sasuke:"okay....." ("score! this rugged warriors all mine!")

gaara:"get undressed."

sasuke:"youre a naughty thing. tehehehe!"

sasuke got undressed, and gaara outstretched his hand. He handed sasuke a muzzle, and a bondage suit.

sasuke:"oooh, leather...."

gaara:"stay still sexy."

gaara pulled out his whip, and whipped sasuke in the ass multiple times. He brought it back to his mouth, licked it ever so slowly, and once again, whipped sasuke. sasuke began to tremble in delight. The fun soon ended, for Temari burst into the room.

temari:"gaara, wheres my tampo-AAAAAHHH!"

sasuke ran into the closet, as gaara dropped the whip.

temari:"I am sooo out of here...."

temari shut the door. Sasuke, trembling in the closet, stuck his head out.

sasuke:"is it safe, fluffycakes?"

gaara:"yes, come out mr. slave..."

sasuke jumped out, and embraced gaara.

sasuke:"oh, gaara! youre sooo brave!"

gaara stood there, beaming, as saske humped his leg.

gaara:"alright, Ill train you now."

sasuke:"right" ("damn, the funs over......")

gaara:"okay, first what you need to know, may be the most important thing in this lesson. so, listen up."

sasuke:"okay."

gaara:"now, people will bother you, since you are weak, and you are not violent enough."

sasuke:"what are you saying"

gaara:"youre a pussy in a village full of ninjas."

sasuke:"oh...."

gaara:"I need you to get angry."

sasuke:"okay, im angry..."

gaara:"REAL ANGRY!"

sasuke:"Im angry!"

gaara:"ANGRIER!"

sasuke, now extremely pissed, threw gaara into a wall. gaara stumbled to his feet, and applauded sasuke.

gaara:"well done. now, what I need you to do is-"

sasuke:"no more lessons! im going back to konoha now!"

gaara:"but-"

sasuke:"shut up!"

gaara:"fine, Ill come..."

sasuke sprinted to konoha, and the first person he saw was chouji. chouji, seeing sasuke, decided to walk towards him. he pitied him, so he tried to be nice to sasuke.

chouji:"hey sasuke"

sasuke grabbed his potato chip bag, threw it on the floor, and stepped on it. he then bitchslapped chouji, knocking him to the floor.

chouji:"what was that for. OW!"

sasuke mudhole stomped chouji, until he shit himself.

sasuke:"you dirty fatass!"

sasuke was not done with chouji, who began to bleed. Sasuke shoved his foot so far up his ass that his lungs popped out. happy with what he had done, he strutted away. gaara, trailing behind, was bursting in joy. He became very excited.

gaara:"yes! the bloodshed! pretending to be gay for that emo bitch was worth the show!"

sasuke walked down the street, until he felt a weird feeling. He shrugged it off after a moment, and continued walking. gaara stopped short, after seeing sasuke. his calf was turning slightly green.

gaara:"this is going to be even better! oh, the massacre just ahead! this is wonderful!"

gaara began to twirl and dance in the streets, as sasuke destroyed mailboxes, and knocked over little kids.

[Canthinkofaname]

dude, that was hilarious what sasuke did to chouji
his lungs popped out. funny

[Chidongan]

WTF?!? im a fan of sasuke, but this is turning out ...interesting. ^^

[Lost Prophet]

thanks for the comments, guys. the next chapter will be soon. I have great ideas for it =>

[AK47]

dude that is hawt, their sex rays are attracting me to homosexuality (jk)
but srsly dude that's hawt keep up the good work

[airstep]

Sasuke and garaa really messed up in the head. lol the fan girls raped sasuke. He must be really really weak.

[.ZabuZa.]

sasuke cut his wrists, and waited a while. He winced in pain for a while, but finally got used to the pain, and held on. At that moment, Itachi bursted into the room, taped up sasukes wrists, and kicked him out a window.

Itachi:"emo bitch! haha! I wont let u do that until you can kill me!"

Sasuke:*sigh*"This is too much!:

sasuke rose to his feet, and froze in his tracks. He was naked, and unfortunately for him, a crowd of fangirls were at the scene.

lmfao this is funny shtough ^_^

[Hellchild915]

aahahahah this is pretty good

[Lost Prophet]

thanks guys, the next part ill write over the weekend

[Fool Of Doom]

funny lol!

[DonEmu]

i cant wait till sasuke runs into naruto or itachi...and gets his emo ass kicked lol

[Lost Prophet]

sasuke finally made it down the street, and grinned. He had finally found the hyuuga residence. He grabbed a baseball bat, and ran into the home. He found neji, who was training, as usual. Sasuke stealthily walked towards neji, and hit him in the back of the head. neji moaned in pain, as sasuke stomped him out.

sasuke:"I still remember how you tied me to that pole, and used sixty-four strikes on me. Ill make sure youll never do that again!"

sasuke broke each finger with the bat, and then broke his arms.

sasuke:"I also remember the time you divination whirled me into that chasm. Youll never do that again!"

sasuke broke neji's legs, and then flipped neji over.

sasuke:"and now, Ill make sure you never have a son to pass on the bloodline, or avenge you!"

sasuke stepped on neji's balls, and then did some handseals.

sasuke:"katon! goukakyou no jutsu!"

sasuke burned his nuts, and the rest of his body. sasuke turned around, as he heard a voice. He then smirked.

sasuke:"hinata...I know you're there..."

hinata ran across the room, and then stumbled onto the floor.

hinata:"dont hurt me!"

sasuke pulled out his grasscutter, and stabbe her to the wall. He then grabbed neji's body, and threw it, which was still burning, onto the sword, setting her alit too. sasuke walked away, as gaara grew euphoric.

gaara:"this is great! he could take over konoha on his own if he keeps on going! I love this guy!"

gaara then saw that sasukes whole leg was green.

gaara:"yes....its growing even faster...."

sasuke arrived at kiba's house, and stared at akamaru. He savagely grinned, and ran towards it.

sasuke:"stupid dog, youre next!"

sasuke kicked the shit out of akamaru, and then threw an explosive tag on its nuts. Kiba walked out at that moment to see the massacre.

kiba:"akamaru!"

sasuke threw akamaru at kiba. He caught him, and exploded into bits. Sasuke grabbed his head, after seeing shino, and used it to knock out shino, who happened to be there. He sprayed pesticide to kill the bugs first, and then doused him in lighter fuel. He set him on fire, and walked out in ordinary fashion. The house exploded, and bits and pieces of the shinobis flew everywhere.

gaara:"ah, sasuke! youre doing wonderful! whos next?"

sasuke:"lee....the annoying bastard. I cant wait to pay him and his man-lover a visit...."

gaara:"an excellent choice! lets go!"

the two walked to lee's house, where the next casuality would occur.

[Canthinkofaname]

wasnt really funny, good, but not funny, just killing.
and well, i like dogs alot, and sasuke killing akamaru just wasnt cool. BOO SASUKE

[Lost Prophet]

this one wasnt supposed to be funny. it was to set us up for the next part. I promise you, the next part will be great.

[DonEmu]

how can sasuke sneak behind neji, if he is training the byakugan wood be on O_o

[AK47]

are you writing the story? just kidding
good stuff

[DonEmu]

just pointing out some minor loopholes, its just a fanfic afterall, its not like i'm demanding he change it lol

[Lost Prophet]

to answer emu's question, neji is just randomly striking atm. Its not liking hes actually doing something hard, like, counting birds.

[Caqil-Feisar]

Damn man i nearly pissed myself with laughter at that latest chapter. Sasuke must love burning nuts.
_.
XD! you have to carry on!

[Lost Prophet]

the next chap should be sometime on monday or tuesday....I wont be on tomorrow or monday till the afternoon. Im going on vacation

[Canthinkofaname]

oh, if its not supposed to be funny than good job. but i still frown upon akamaru's death

[zoldic777]

hah man, this is the most funniest thing i ever read till now ( i dont read any thing here O.o) keep up the nice work >.<

[Lost Prophet]

alright guys, Ill start the next chap in an hour or whatever

[Lost Prophet]

alright, here it goes...


sasuke finally made it to lee's house, after a long walk. One thing he learned from his sociopathic bitch brother is to observe your next victim before you strike. Apparently, this would be hard to, since lee and gai were inside, and its hard on the eye.

sasuke peered into the window. loud music was playing, and the two were dancing inside the robot.

lee:"domo arigoto, mr. roboto! domo!"

gai then span on his back, and landed into another breakdancing move. lee finished his robot, and gazed at gai adoringly..

lee:"gai sensei, you are amazing!"

gai:"thanks lee, I try!"

gai flashed the grin, and lifted his thumb. lee sighed, and gai began to dance again.

sasuke:"I cant take this anymore...."

sasuke broke lee's window, and threw in a smoke bomb.

lee:"nooo! my new windows! they wont be on sale till next year!!! waaaaa! wait, gai jr, dont run away!"

lee's pet squirrel ran out the window, as the smoke cleared. Sasuke grabbed it, and ripped his head off. Lee cried histerically, which caused sasuke to get annoyed, and shove the squirrel down his throat.

gai:"whoa, lee! the springtime of you-gaah!"

sasuke kicked gai in the nuts, which caused him to slide down to the floor. sasuke grinned, and then ripped off gai's pants. He used them to tie his arms to the wall, so sasuke could stomp him out.

lee:"gai sensei!"

lee ran to help gai, but sasuke kicked him down the stairs.

sasuke:"annoying forestbrows...."

sasuke grabbed a kunai, and cut off gai's hair.

gai:"my good looks, you took them away from me! Ive lost my youth!"

leee, hearing this, began to sob uncontrollably down the stairs, sasuke, now getting very annoyed, charged his chidori, and killed gai. He then went downstairs, and pulled lee up the stairs. He hit his head on each step.

lee:"owww!"

sasuke:"shut up bitch."

sasuke unravelled lee's bandages, and tied up his entire body. He then grabbed gai's blood, and painted the cocooned lee. He hung lee on the tree, just as the academy children came around the corner for their trip to meet gai.

konohamurou:"wow! a pinata! let me swing at it! kuchiyose no jutsu!"

konohamurou summoned the mokey king, and turned it into a staff. He swung several times at lee, until it finally broke. shit and blood sprayed down. Unfortunately, the oblivious children fought over the "candy", and shoved it down. Iruka, disgusted, ran and threw up in the street, just in time to get his by a car.

sasuke: ("heh, three kills in one.....")

sasuke and gaara walked out the back door, and walked towards their next target.

gaara:"great job on thes ones sasuke! where to next!?"

sasuke:"my house. my brothers sleeping....."

[DonEmu]

hehe...is he gonna get whats coming to him....or is he gonna win...

[Chidongan]

rofl gai died. ^^

[Canthinkofaname]

ROFLMFGDAO
XD!
man thats hilarious. i especially liked how gai died. lees death was pretty hilarious as well.

[Caqil-Feisar]

Yea but pretty unrealistic. Good. Roll on next chpter

[Lost Prophet]

I think Ill do the last chapter now. If I dont have time to finish it, Ill just post what Im up to for you guys to see. thanks for the comments so far, guys.

sasuke finally made it to his doorstep, and he walked inside his home. He crept up the steps, but then walked back downstairs. He went into the kitchen, and grabbed a pair of scissors. He grinned, and then crept back up the steps. He made it into Itachi's room, and opened the door very slowly and quietly, not to wake his brother up. He seen itachi still sleeping, and sighed in relief.

sasuke:"he always was a heavy sleeper...."

sasuke walked up to itachi's bed, and pulled down the covers. He pulled off itachi's akatsuki cloak, and grabbed his scissors.

sasuke:"this will be the best part of my revenge...."

sasuke slammed the scissors shut on itachis pe***, and blood sprayed everywhere. Itachi sprung up, and screamed.

itachi:"SH**!FU**IN MOTH**FU**ER!FU**!FU**!!FU**!AHHHHH, MY DICK!YOU SON OF A BIT**!AHHHH!"

sasuke laughed histerically, and began to beat the sh** out of itachi. itachi tried to fight back, but every time he moved his body, more blood shot out. It was hopeless. Sasuke ripped apart itachi, and then fed some of his remains to pakkun, who he received as a gift from kakashi before "moving to another village". The rest of itachi, sasuke threw out the window to fanfiction writing, obsessive fangirls. Sasuke found this to be the worst kind of death his brother could suffer, so he used this to defeat his brother. Gaara came into the room, excited as hell. He was squealing like a little schoolgirl after seeing a cute guy for the first time.

gaara:"THAT! was great!well done, well done!"

sasuke:"whatever, STFU gaara."

gaara, seeing that he had turned fully green, backed down, instead of fighting sasuke on this. even if he had shukaku, it wouldnt be enough to fight sasuke.

gaara:"okay, okay. whos next?"

sasuke:"naruto...."

gaara:"ah, excellent choice! lets go!"

sasuke:"right..."

sasuke jumped out the window, and ran down the street to the ramen shop.

ramen server:"hello, would you like some rame-"

sasuke grabbed all the ramen in the pot, and ate it.

ramen server:"hey! you didnt pay for that!"

sasuke grabbed the man, and threw him out of the way, and destroyed the stand. naruto, who was a mile away, stopped in his tracks. jiraiya started to speak, but naruto shut him up.

naruto:"quiet! my ramen senses are tingling! the stand...its gone! RAMENRAMENRAMEN!NOOOO!"

naruto dashed all the way to the stand, and had seen sasuke. He walked up to sasuke, and glared at him.

sasuke had turned fully green, and laughed at naruto.

sasuke:"what now, naruto? am I a loser now!? Am I weak still? I just went through konoha, and killed itachi, neji, gai, lee, chouji, kiba, shino, and hinata. Am I weak!?"

naruto:"yeah, bitch. You are still weak, still a loser, and yeah, you suck."

naruto picked up shit, threw it at sasuke, kicked him in the nuts, and walked away. sasuke fell to the ground, and began to sob uncontrollably, as fangirls raped him from all sides.....

[AK47]

lol good fic
funny throughout, and sasuke deserves a gangbangrape

[Lost Prophet]

I dont know, should that be the end? I cant find a better way to cap this at the moment....

[.ZabuZa.]

lol that was great and funny as hell it could still go on if you want until sasuki kills naruto hehe ^_^

[Lost Prophet]

I dont know. I mean, it ended exactly as it started, so Im not sure...

[AK47]

no, it's done, sasuke is raped so it's finished. lol

[Chidongan]

lol why was sasuke turning green? and shouldnt gaara help sasuke?

[Nick]

Yo this was hilarious!! I read this whole thread in one sitting. I do have one suggestion for a posible revision. I forget what chapter it is, but the part where sasuke catches neji off guard, as unlikely as it seems, i think it would have been funny for sasuke to taunt neji kinda like:

Sasuke: Wassup Byakugan bit**! You didn't see that one comin did ya?

kinda like how agent smith slams the oracle's plate of cookies into the wall and asks her if she knew he was gonna do that...

but this is priceless, keep writing. I'll tell you how much I loved this, today when i got outta work i found out my car was stolen and it was raining and i had to take the subway home.. I just read this and i think it was the first time since the bad news that i laughed!

[Lost Prophet]

thanks man. Im glad to hear that you liked my fanfic. I love scrolls of konoha.

[Azure Wrath]

i read this all in one go, it was SOOO funny, it grabbed be, i loved it, i laughed my breakfast up!
Thanx LP, that was a great read!

[Lost Prophet]

thanks, Azure. I am actually planning a new fanfic that I will be starting soon. It may be even better than this one.

[Azure Wrath]

awesome! keep it as funny as this one please! the over-the-top violence was AWESOME, i could actually see sasuke kicking the shit out of EVERYTHING!

[Lost Prophet]

next one is going to do with naruto and the cursed milk carton

[Azure Wrath]

the one that got him sick in ...epi 2 i think? or was it 3?

really looking forward to it!!

[Nyuu]

OMG,this is so funny! lol
Poor Hinata though,and mainly Sasuke. ( WoW,he really is weak,if he can't protect himself from his fangirls lol ) :p
Good job,I red the whole thing in one go. ^^ Hillarios!

[Raki]

Ahaha I coughed up my breakfast reading the nice shit! Make more!! More!! I'm not satisfied untill I read more comedic fanfics like this!

[Hokage1991]

I read the first page and, his life sounds like it sucks ( minus the fact of getting raped by fangirls)