temjinxzarron
04-27-2005, 11:53 AM
Chapter 1
Why
Am I beginning to understand…
Breathing heavily, looking around at the lights over the mirror in my bathroom wall. “God I hate mirrors.” I thought to myself. The only thing a mirror is good for is that it can remind people of the fact no how they truly are. A mirror really and truly does tell no lies.
How pathetic I am. I turned around to look across the flower wallpaper with the dark red and black stripes. As I looked I see a door.
A long white door…
Doors, supposed to represent new opportunities new chances. Or it could mean that it could mean that one has old secrets, old pasts that have keep shut because of fear, hatred, sorrow or whatever. Looking at the door I realized something, that doors are no better than mirrors. Both have terrible secrets that won’t go away no matter how hard someone tries. But looking at the bathroom light I realized that there is always a way out, always a way to see. Sure some people may call it cowardice but they really don’t see the situation the other way around and because of that, I hate them. I hate every last one of them They will never understand why. Why I hate the doors. Why I hate the mirrors. Why I hate them. But I guess that understanding is the first measure that I have to see if I want to make it ….my light
……
“God watch out!” a friend of mine yelled. I quickly opened my eyes to instinctively put on the brakes. My car skidded almost touching the pick-up truck in front of us. “Damn man, are you even paying fucking attention!?” He said to me while waving is hand in front of my face.
“Sorry I spaced out.” I said apologetically. “I guess I am just lost in thought that’s all.”
“Well please don’t do it on the road man.” He said. I just gripped the steering wheel and tried my hardest to pay attention to the road in front of me. “Hey are you okay really?” He asked. I looked ahead and saw that the light had turned green.
“Yea I guess.” I replied. I looked around to find anything to get my mind off of what happened. “Say man could you turn it to track six? I haven’t heard that song in a long time.”
“Sure,” he said as the turned to the track on the CD. “Bout the City” by The Reps started to play and I started to drive to my friends house. I looked at him as he was looking out of the window. Maybe he knew how a felt, what I wanted to do to myself at this point and hell maybe at this point at a six year friendship he could even read me, a person who was truly called unpredictable at times.
Afterward I looked at my gas meter to see how much gas I had left. It was a quarter of a tank and as I looked up I saw a gas station nearby. “Hey I need to stop. Do you mind?” I asked my friend.
“No man, not at all.” He said back. I stop at a Kroger gas station to fill up. I drove up to the gas pump and as I was getting out my friend asked my something. “Hey man are you okay? I mean…”
“I’m fine man I guess after all this bullshit could bring down anyone, even me.” I replied as I started to fill up my car with gas. Once I was done I started to head to the cashier. ‘Damn man, why did you have to go out like that? Is it really that simple? Did you even expect to do die like that?’ I thought as I made my way up to the cashier. The cashier smiled at me and started to total up what I wanted.
“Okay you were on pump three and it will be fourteen dollars and twenty seven cents. Oh and is there anything else you wanted?” She asked. As I looked up that is when I saw it. My own reflection, I quickly looked down at my wallet as I pulled out a twenty.
“Ah no I don’t need anything else,” I replied as I handed her my money. As she was making change I looked around to see a man handing out flyers. He looked at me and we made eye contact. He started to walk towards me as I was collecting my change from the cashier. ‘Great, this is the very last kind of bullshit that I need right now.’ I thought to myself.
“Say do you want one? I had very important information that can save you life.” He said as handed me this small little paper pamphlet about the Muslim religion or something I never bothered to look deeper into it. I looked at it and chuckled a bit. “Something funny?” He asked curious.
“Yea,” I replied handing the pamphlet back to him. “It’s just that you are handed something that is supposed to save someone’s life and yet I am already dead.”
“Yes but you can…” I raised my hand before he could say anything.
“Yea whatever,” I said. “Hey tell me something, you heard of the words karma and irony right?”
“Yes I have?” the guy replied.
“Well see this is what I think. Irony and karma are two totally different things yet they work together in perfect harmony with each other.”
“Are you saying that you believe something like karma and irony, more than God?” the man asked.
“Well I am saying that I believe karma and irony more than I will ever will believe in something like Allah.” I said as I turned around to walk towards my car.
“Well then do you believe in any religion? In any God?” he asked. I turned to face the man once more. “I mean I know that I am Muslim and I truly believe in my religion. But you know I think that people as a whole need to believe in something no matter what it is. It can be Christianity, Buddhism, Catholicism, Confucius, or just Science. Doesn’t matter, It can even be Superman. But if you don’t believe in anything then they could be how you seem to act right now, just a sad and bitter person.
“You know if there is a God, then after what he has done to me then I despise him right now.” I said overly bitter to the man. I then walked and got inside my car.
“Hey you know that guy?” my fiend asked.
“No I don’t. Just some fucker trying to advertise.” I said. I started up my car and got back on the road. The CD started to play “Sweet Soul Brother”. At the end of the song I got to my friends house and parked to the side. He got out of the car and started came to the other window. I rolled down the window to see what he wanted.
“Listen I know that it has been a little hard and I know how you felt about her. I mean she was like family to me to but, I-I guess I am trying to say is that just be careful alright.” I looked at him for a moment and nodded.
“Yea man I will.” I replied back. I the greeted me goodbye and stared to walk towards his house. I drove off, now headed to my own apartment….well now new apartment. A place where there is nothing left. Nothing there. I have no one. No family but disowned members. No true friends no anything. Then I thought about myself and as sad as it is I have to face the truth. The simple fact that my life was, is, and will forever be truly pathetic. I eventually made it to my apartment and went inside I put my keys and wallet on the counter and started to head to the bathroom. As I entered I looked into the bathroom mirror and in that instant I saw her. ‘
‘Why?’ I thought to myself. ‘You out of all people had to die. My cousin was killed, murdered outside of a club and just shrugged if off in a couple of hours. But you…it’s been a month and I still can’t shake it off. You saved me from the very idiotic things but I realized now that I should have saved you but I couldn’t. I wanted to tell you but I thought there will always be a tomorrow.’ I looked at the mirror. I took a long look at myself. What I was wearing. I was almost like if the mirror was taunting me. As I starred at it I could have sworn that it was calling me names.
How truly of a poor excuse of life that I am
How a fucking person like me will never be what I truly desire
How I fail at everything I do
How there is nothing left for me since I am a pathetic excuse of a man that I am. Looking at the mirror the only thing I can ask is why. Why must I be this way? And it seem that I already knew the answer. Because I am afraid, idiotic and a coward, just looking at myself, I started to become sick, so sick that I ran over to the toilet to puke. “Yes you fucking bastard, you fucking punk ass. You need to die. You know I bet the only reason that you are even here is because the fucking condom broke. I don’t even know why you fucking try in the first goddamned place.” The mirror seemed to say to me and at this point of my life, at most as I hate to admit it I have to say that…
…
The mirror was right.
Why
Am I beginning to understand that I have no right to….
Sadly I had no right to argue. And that’s when I fell back breathing heavily looking around at the lights over the mirror. “Was it all really my fault? Do I need to die that much? Am I that useless to everyone?” I said to myself know that the answer was yes to all three of those questions. It was then when I starting to think.
“How can I end this? How can I die?” I asked myself as I started to look around. It is really amazing on how many ways you can find to kill oneself. I saw everything from razors, poison, to just plain drowning and or electrocution. It was like my mind was in a way similar of some infant that wanted to play with the electrical socket. Still felling sic I tilted my head up to the bathroom light. But looking at the lights they starting to spin. Starting to twirl and eventually I passed out.
“Wake up, Get up! You fucking bastard, get the fuck up off of my goddamn floor!” I heard the mirror shout. I quickly awoke off of the cold white tile and took a look around. I saw the soft light that was shinning down upon me and I knew that it was daylight.
Why
Am I beginning to understand…
Breathing heavily, looking around at the lights over the mirror in my bathroom wall. “God I hate mirrors.” I thought to myself. The only thing a mirror is good for is that it can remind people of the fact no how they truly are. A mirror really and truly does tell no lies.
How pathetic I am. I turned around to look across the flower wallpaper with the dark red and black stripes. As I looked I see a door.
A long white door…
Doors, supposed to represent new opportunities new chances. Or it could mean that it could mean that one has old secrets, old pasts that have keep shut because of fear, hatred, sorrow or whatever. Looking at the door I realized something, that doors are no better than mirrors. Both have terrible secrets that won’t go away no matter how hard someone tries. But looking at the bathroom light I realized that there is always a way out, always a way to see. Sure some people may call it cowardice but they really don’t see the situation the other way around and because of that, I hate them. I hate every last one of them They will never understand why. Why I hate the doors. Why I hate the mirrors. Why I hate them. But I guess that understanding is the first measure that I have to see if I want to make it ….my light
……
“God watch out!” a friend of mine yelled. I quickly opened my eyes to instinctively put on the brakes. My car skidded almost touching the pick-up truck in front of us. “Damn man, are you even paying fucking attention!?” He said to me while waving is hand in front of my face.
“Sorry I spaced out.” I said apologetically. “I guess I am just lost in thought that’s all.”
“Well please don’t do it on the road man.” He said. I just gripped the steering wheel and tried my hardest to pay attention to the road in front of me. “Hey are you okay really?” He asked. I looked ahead and saw that the light had turned green.
“Yea I guess.” I replied. I looked around to find anything to get my mind off of what happened. “Say man could you turn it to track six? I haven’t heard that song in a long time.”
“Sure,” he said as the turned to the track on the CD. “Bout the City” by The Reps started to play and I started to drive to my friends house. I looked at him as he was looking out of the window. Maybe he knew how a felt, what I wanted to do to myself at this point and hell maybe at this point at a six year friendship he could even read me, a person who was truly called unpredictable at times.
Afterward I looked at my gas meter to see how much gas I had left. It was a quarter of a tank and as I looked up I saw a gas station nearby. “Hey I need to stop. Do you mind?” I asked my friend.
“No man, not at all.” He said back. I stop at a Kroger gas station to fill up. I drove up to the gas pump and as I was getting out my friend asked my something. “Hey man are you okay? I mean…”
“I’m fine man I guess after all this bullshit could bring down anyone, even me.” I replied as I started to fill up my car with gas. Once I was done I started to head to the cashier. ‘Damn man, why did you have to go out like that? Is it really that simple? Did you even expect to do die like that?’ I thought as I made my way up to the cashier. The cashier smiled at me and started to total up what I wanted.
“Okay you were on pump three and it will be fourteen dollars and twenty seven cents. Oh and is there anything else you wanted?” She asked. As I looked up that is when I saw it. My own reflection, I quickly looked down at my wallet as I pulled out a twenty.
“Ah no I don’t need anything else,” I replied as I handed her my money. As she was making change I looked around to see a man handing out flyers. He looked at me and we made eye contact. He started to walk towards me as I was collecting my change from the cashier. ‘Great, this is the very last kind of bullshit that I need right now.’ I thought to myself.
“Say do you want one? I had very important information that can save you life.” He said as handed me this small little paper pamphlet about the Muslim religion or something I never bothered to look deeper into it. I looked at it and chuckled a bit. “Something funny?” He asked curious.
“Yea,” I replied handing the pamphlet back to him. “It’s just that you are handed something that is supposed to save someone’s life and yet I am already dead.”
“Yes but you can…” I raised my hand before he could say anything.
“Yea whatever,” I said. “Hey tell me something, you heard of the words karma and irony right?”
“Yes I have?” the guy replied.
“Well see this is what I think. Irony and karma are two totally different things yet they work together in perfect harmony with each other.”
“Are you saying that you believe something like karma and irony, more than God?” the man asked.
“Well I am saying that I believe karma and irony more than I will ever will believe in something like Allah.” I said as I turned around to walk towards my car.
“Well then do you believe in any religion? In any God?” he asked. I turned to face the man once more. “I mean I know that I am Muslim and I truly believe in my religion. But you know I think that people as a whole need to believe in something no matter what it is. It can be Christianity, Buddhism, Catholicism, Confucius, or just Science. Doesn’t matter, It can even be Superman. But if you don’t believe in anything then they could be how you seem to act right now, just a sad and bitter person.
“You know if there is a God, then after what he has done to me then I despise him right now.” I said overly bitter to the man. I then walked and got inside my car.
“Hey you know that guy?” my fiend asked.
“No I don’t. Just some fucker trying to advertise.” I said. I started up my car and got back on the road. The CD started to play “Sweet Soul Brother”. At the end of the song I got to my friends house and parked to the side. He got out of the car and started came to the other window. I rolled down the window to see what he wanted.
“Listen I know that it has been a little hard and I know how you felt about her. I mean she was like family to me to but, I-I guess I am trying to say is that just be careful alright.” I looked at him for a moment and nodded.
“Yea man I will.” I replied back. I the greeted me goodbye and stared to walk towards his house. I drove off, now headed to my own apartment….well now new apartment. A place where there is nothing left. Nothing there. I have no one. No family but disowned members. No true friends no anything. Then I thought about myself and as sad as it is I have to face the truth. The simple fact that my life was, is, and will forever be truly pathetic. I eventually made it to my apartment and went inside I put my keys and wallet on the counter and started to head to the bathroom. As I entered I looked into the bathroom mirror and in that instant I saw her. ‘
‘Why?’ I thought to myself. ‘You out of all people had to die. My cousin was killed, murdered outside of a club and just shrugged if off in a couple of hours. But you…it’s been a month and I still can’t shake it off. You saved me from the very idiotic things but I realized now that I should have saved you but I couldn’t. I wanted to tell you but I thought there will always be a tomorrow.’ I looked at the mirror. I took a long look at myself. What I was wearing. I was almost like if the mirror was taunting me. As I starred at it I could have sworn that it was calling me names.
How truly of a poor excuse of life that I am
How a fucking person like me will never be what I truly desire
How I fail at everything I do
How there is nothing left for me since I am a pathetic excuse of a man that I am. Looking at the mirror the only thing I can ask is why. Why must I be this way? And it seem that I already knew the answer. Because I am afraid, idiotic and a coward, just looking at myself, I started to become sick, so sick that I ran over to the toilet to puke. “Yes you fucking bastard, you fucking punk ass. You need to die. You know I bet the only reason that you are even here is because the fucking condom broke. I don’t even know why you fucking try in the first goddamned place.” The mirror seemed to say to me and at this point of my life, at most as I hate to admit it I have to say that…
…
The mirror was right.
Why
Am I beginning to understand that I have no right to….
Sadly I had no right to argue. And that’s when I fell back breathing heavily looking around at the lights over the mirror. “Was it all really my fault? Do I need to die that much? Am I that useless to everyone?” I said to myself know that the answer was yes to all three of those questions. It was then when I starting to think.
“How can I end this? How can I die?” I asked myself as I started to look around. It is really amazing on how many ways you can find to kill oneself. I saw everything from razors, poison, to just plain drowning and or electrocution. It was like my mind was in a way similar of some infant that wanted to play with the electrical socket. Still felling sic I tilted my head up to the bathroom light. But looking at the lights they starting to spin. Starting to twirl and eventually I passed out.
“Wake up, Get up! You fucking bastard, get the fuck up off of my goddamn floor!” I heard the mirror shout. I quickly awoke off of the cold white tile and took a look around. I saw the soft light that was shinning down upon me and I knew that it was daylight.