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View Full Version : Way of the NInja


DarkFoxNaruto
03-25-2004, 12:29 AM
My first fanfic...and i wana be a writer, so tell me how to improve it, tell me anything I wont mind
this is mostlikly going to be a group of short stories, most not having to do with eathothe

The man looked over, as he quickly treaded throught the grass in the forest, to spot the other man inbetween the trees. He quickly adujusted his speed, so that his speed was faster than the other man. The man quickly took a glance backward to make sure he was not too far ahead.

"Im in position, anyone else" the man whispered into a ear peice on the side of his face.
As the man waited for a responce, he darted infront of the other man.

"I'm ready Sho" Came a voice from the ear peice

Sho, looked back once more, to notice a woman behind the man. Sho then spun his body around, do dig his feet into the ground. The man infront of Sho now, quickly changed his grounding, adn quickly leaped intot eh trees above. With little time for action, Sho pushed off a tree right behind him, into the branched above.

Once in the branches, Sho knelt down, and looked around. If he got too far away, this mission was going to be a pain. Not only was a Seinin trying to escape, but he was one who was said to have to kill him. Sho knew if he gave him too much time, The man would get away, and fast, so he got up, and jumped off in the direction of the strongest chakra.

The woman that was once following him, was quick on his tail, after hopping into the trees a second after he had gone of into the direction of choice. She as well knew that she would have to get going, because Sho was not going ot be enough to handel him on his own.

Sho emerged from the trees in a matter of seconds. He looked around in every direction, unable to see anything at all. A few Miles ahead was forest, but he couldn't have gotten that far away from him that quick. Sho turned to head back into the forest, as he felt a Kunai Thrust into his body. The blood trickled down the Kunai like water down the street, as Sho felt a face next to his own.

"Never try and stop me, I will have my way, Konoha will burn to the ground" The man said, as he ripped the kunai out of Sho's back, and dashed off.

In a matter of seconds, Sho's body fell to the ground. He we bleeding profusely now, as blood was starting to gather around his body. This was it he realized, his life was about to end, and before ever getting anything he wanted, as a foot stepped down infront of his face, he closed his eyes. [/i]

thompkinsbrian
03-25-2004, 05:29 AM
sorry i had to choose the last one not because your story sucked but just because

DBZWarrior6582
03-25-2004, 09:47 PM
I was going to pick the last one for the hell of it but brian already did that. so I'll look at the options and decide shortly.

shroomy
03-26-2004, 08:28 AM
It was OK. A lot of it seems akwardly worded, especially the first passage. I think you also should try to avoid a lot of sentences just being "x did this, in order to this", and try to mix it up, spending some time describing the setting or background. Also, there were a bunch of typos, but overall the story seemed pretty interesting. I think that if you just proofread your work a bit more carefully that it could be a lot better.

uber user
03-27-2004, 10:55 PM
Que Horrible!

Aosagi
04-08-2004, 01:34 AM
DarkFoxNaruto - its a decent ruff draft but you need to put the story into a word document and fix your spelling errors. You also have a lot of unfinished snetances. It makes it more difficult to understand what you're trying to convey. Here I edited the story tell me what you think..

The man looked over, as he quickly treaded through the grass in the forest, to spot the other man in between the trees. He quickly adjusted his speed, so that he was faster than the other man. He glanced back to make sure he was not to far ahead.

"I’m in position, anyone else?" the man whispered into a ear piece on the side of his face.
As the man waited for a response, he darted in front of the other man.

"I'm ready Sho." came a confident voice from the ear piece.

Sho, looked back once more, to notice a woman behind the man. Sho then spun his body around; digging his feet into the ground. The man in front of Sho, quickly changed his grounding, and leaped into the trees above. With little time for action, Sho pushed off a tree right behind him, into the branches above.

Once in the branches, Sho knelt down, and looked around. If he got too far away, this mission was going to be a pain. Not only was a Sennin trying to escape, but he was also the one who was said to have to kill him. Sho knew if he gave him too much time, the man would get away, and fast. So he got up, and jumped off in the direction of the strongest chakra.

The woman that was once following him was quick on his tail. After hopping into the trees a second after he had gone of into the direction of choice. She as well knew that she would have to get going, because Sho wouldn’t be able to handle him on his own.

Sho emerged from the trees in a matter of seconds. He looked around in every direction, unable to see anything at all. The forest was a few miles ahead, but he couldn't have gotten that far away from him. Sho turned to head back into the forest, as he felt a Kunai thrust into his body. The blood trickled down the Kunai like water down the street, as Sho felt a face next to his own.

"Never try and stop me. I will have my way. Konoha will burn to the ground!" The man said, as he ripped the kunai out of Sho's back, and dashed off.

In a matter of seconds, Sho's body fell to the ground. He we bleeding profusely now, as blood was starting to gather around his body. This was it he realized, his life was about to end, and before ever getting anything he wanted, as a foot stepped down in front of his face, he closed his eyes.

Zone
04-23-2004, 02:47 AM
I think it was OK... I've never tried to write a Fanfic myself so I think it's quite good... Keep it up... And look ou tfor the spelling... Oh yeah and as the above: Try and make your language more exciting... But it was good when you think about it's your first try! :)

Good luck! And I would like to see more shortstories! ;)

thompkinsbrian
04-23-2004, 03:01 AM
AHAHAHAAAAA You know what is funny about blueinle's critizism on the fanfic one of the things she mentions is that you should check for spelling error and what happens in her second sentence, BAMMM spelling/typo error

Aosagi
04-23-2004, 03:30 AM
lol brian I never spell check my posts but I always spell check my e-mails and any stories I try to post. *hugz MS Word*