How does one cope: The loss of a best friend =(

[tsunade ^_^]

Hey there fellow chaosers.

So ive decided to post here for most of you are really good at giving advice and you are all good listeners and readers LOL. So heres my story. Please bare with me and anything is welcome. I really need you guys on this one. And yes its happening in real life. I know I know its more like a soapie.

[Dream Catcher]

well i see nothing soapie here... except my mouth because i say dirty things :P

Sorry to hear you lost a best friend... how did that happen may i ask?

[Sasukemania]

Hey there fellow chaosers.

So ive decided to post here for most of you are really good at giving advice and you are all good listeners and readers LOL. So heres my story.

So the story where it is?

[tsunade ^_^]

So here goes.

INTRODUCTION
Oliver was my best friend for 20years. In june 2007 he went on a trip around the world for 2months. During that time, we had to "look" after his girlfriend Nicole. The second week of his holiday, Nikki started acting all weird and started seing some dude who claimed that he was gay.

I then had a little chat with her and she said everything is all good and that the dude(Rico) has a boyfriend and that they are just hanging out. So one Friday morning she phones me and invites me for breakfast. Being the inquisitive female I am, I thus went and enjoyed her feast.

Just after we finished, her phone rang and I thought it was Oliver because he normally calls during brunch. Anyhoo she immediatly stood up and walked out of the kitchen. That i found rather sketchy because normally when he phones, she talks right infront of us. But ja, the day went on, we watched movies and suddenly this dude pops in just to say "hi". Rico then asked if Nikki and I would accompany her to the mall for he has to meet his boyfriend there but the thing is he's a bit scared. (apparently he's not out of the closet yet.) He also wanted me to drive alone so that Nicole can drive with him. Immediatly I took things into my own hands and insisted that Nikki drives with me for I am her visitor. Anyhoo when he saw that this was a losing battle he gave in and agreed to it.

So ja, we got to the mall and guess what. No dude. He was soooo devistated and claimed that it meant they broke up. The story was very fishy to me but I just stood there seeming to not pay attention. We all then returned to Nikki's house. He then invited us for a drink later that evening @ his place. I thought that was a bit sketchy too because the two of them giggled and whispered in each others ears like two dirty teens about to ......

Anyhoo I accompanied the two of them. We got to the flat and opened a bottle of red wine. I then received a phonecall from my cousin Vicki. Vicki said she saw us and is truly disappointed. I asked her what she meant by it and then told me that Rico is far from gay and that hes a gigalo. It struck me that Vicki was right because on High School there was a cyclist and runner who used to sleep with the married woman. We used to call him blueteeth for he had some or other dental problem.

I immediatly looked around the flat and to my suprise there it was. An old school piccie and a mountain bike. I then rushed to tell Nikki that this whole thing is a bad idea and that the two of us should leave. So she replied:"Rico is my friend and theres nothing that any of you can do to stop me from seing him". I was shocked ladies and gents. So i thought, fuck this shit, Im out. I left without saying goodbye.

[tsunade ^_^]

CHAPTER ONE

The Saturday me and the crew went clubbing. I saw Nikki's cousin and asked her where she was and Chandre said that she had left with some dude in a white golf. I knew it. Rico. Chandre also told me that she too, warned Nikki but the girl wouldnt listen. i just thought, thats her own thing and its none of my business if she wants to ruine her relationship. The weekend flew by and I received the most desturbing email from Oliver while he was in Germany. He told me to fuck off and leave Nikki alone. And that I should stop harrasing her and ill-treating her. I knew that there was trouble ahead.

Oliver's brother Rayno then came to me after he heard about everything. Because Paarl is a small town and by this time the rumours had spread like a wild fire. I explained to Rayno and he said that I shouldnt worry and that he'll sort it out. I sighed of relief because I know that men can be stoopid and act harshly when it comes to their ladies. Anyhoo the last 5 weeks flew by and Oliver returned. Being the forward person that he was he called a meeting to straighten things out.

The bitch just sat there and denied everything. And guess what? Her phone rang and she ran out. Tsk Tsk tsk. So ya, the holiday was over and we all went back to campus. The one person ignoring the other one. I decided to confront Oliver personally. That was the worst day of my life. I told him the whole scenario and explained that I just wanted to have his back. I kind of gave him an altimatum. And you all know how those end. So ya our relationship turned sour.

Until one day when I saw Rico and Nikki canoodling in the club. It made me furious for she was whoring around left to right and didnt give a rats ass because Oliver will always believe her. And that was true for they were dating for four years and I know how much he loved her. I then decided to just keep my mouth shut. For the messanger always gets shot. In Septeber they broke up. She went around telling everyone that he just did it to please his friends and that they are still seing each other.

Oliver and all of us grew apart that time but the the 2weeks before his passing was the best. The old Ollie returned. He apologized and all of us patched things up. It was greato. Exept for Nikki. She really was a good girl gone bad. And like Jigga says, "Once a good girl has gone bad, shes gone forever!!

[tsunade ^_^]

CHAPTER TWO

October 12th 2007
We were all partying as usual. Theres a spot where we all go park and just hang out. All of a sudden out of nowhere comes Rico and starts performing with his car infront of Oliver. He deliberately wanted to piss Oliver off and I guess it worked because Oliver went across the street to sort out thing. But Rico got all violent and walked to his car and took out a stainless steel pipe. He then threatened Oliver with it. Being the big girl I am, I immediatly ran over, with the other boys and we started quarreling.

A cop car then came and we all disbanded immediatly. Rico then drove off like the wind. It was October13th 2am that time. Rayno and Myself were tired and decided to head on home. I greeted Oliver and the other boys. But this greet was different. Because normally he would just pat me on the back and tried grabbing a boob. But this time he hugged me. One never sees it coming right....

October 13th 4 - 6am
I got alota missed calls on my phone from Shane. But I ignored it and thought that it was him and Oliver being their old selves. It was very windy that night.
As i rolled around in bed I finally got to close my eyes. I went into a nice deep sleep. I started coughing non-stop and then my dad came to wake me. I looked on the clock it was 5am and he said that I must get up and be strong. So i asked what for? And he made me promise to be strong. I was sooo confused so I agreed.

My dad then sat down and looked me point blank in the eye. He then told me that Oliver was in a car accident and that he didnt make it. I choked and got an asma attack. I couldnt breathe properly for 5mins. Almost lost conciousness. My dad also told me that theres another person in the ICU. I freaked and thought that it was Shane but forgot that Curt my neigbour and "brother" was with too. I immediatly got out of bed and ran across the street with my jammies. got there and no one answered. I went into panic mode. Got dressed and just went to Olivers house. By that time it was 5:50am and when I got there the whole street was packed. I ran straight to Rayno for I was still in shock and simply didnt want to believe it. When I saw him I just felt numb and sunk into his arms. Never in my whole life have I cried that much. I Sympathised with everyone, friends, family and other people who knew Oliver.

[tsunade ^_^]

CHAPTER THREE

Questions
Myself and Rayno and some of the others went down to the scene. I could believe it. What was he doing there at that time of the morning. We got to the car, it was smashed. He drove a 98 Honda Civic Hatch. It looked like a small Smart for four when we got ther. The people of forensics told us that for the car to be crumbled to that size Oliver must have drove 180 km and more. When I asked where his body lay everyone just kept quiet. I then walked around to see any bloody marks. I was shocked and realized that Oliver was slung out of the car and flew about 60 metres from it.

I dont know what exactly I felt at that time but all I could see is red! I gor furious and my heart was starting to get filled that anger and hatred. I was mad at Oliver for not thinking and mad a Nicole for something told me that she was the reason for this.

*Thats all for today, will update it later. My fingers are eina*

[Sasukemania]

Thanks for sharing this with us Tsunade... Its very tragic and sad. Didn't understand exactly how this accident happened. Nicole maybe is a bad girl but its too harsh to blame her for the death of your friend, the situation got out off hand apparently :(. I guess she must felt terribly too. Its not easy to cope with something like this, and it doesn't always get better with time... But you must deal with this situation and just accept it and move on with your life. You can't ever completely get over something as tragic like this but you must learn to live with it.

[tsunade ^_^]

CHAPTER FOUR
The following week was a tough one. I never thought that this would happen to me to us. You should have seen his poor mother. I cant by far imagine what his parents went through. She sat there, like an empty soul asking for her child back. I'll never forget the day of his passing. She was crying and just wanted Oliver back. When I went to her and sympathised, she grabbed me and shook me. She asked how how how. How is she going to get him back. I was numb. Never have I experienced so much pain. His dad had to be the strong one. Uncle Lloyd had to comfort her and all of us. Then there was Ilke. his younger sister. Shes but a mere 18years old. Loss of this size was just too much for her. Ilke held everything in. She never shed a tear that week. She too was comforting everyone, telling us that Oliver wouldnt want us to be crying. He would want us to make jokes and laugh.

That week i couldnt cry. Somehow I just couldnt. I spoke to his mother and she said that its because im still in shock and that it hasnt sunk in. My mom said that keeping such feelings to oneself is dangerous and unhealthy. We went the wednesday to look @ his body. They said he had internal bleeding on the brain. That was all. No nicks and cuts. So he fell on his head. The one thing that made him Oliver. His magnificent brain. Oliver was the wisest and most intelligent 22year old I knew. Ironic isnt it?

The funeral was on Saturday the 20th 2007. I thought that I was prepared for what was coming. But everything I kept in was too much. I was still ok at home and in the church. But when we got to the Graveyard and they were about to bury him I just couldnt anymore. It was like a piece of me had died. His mother couldnt let go of the coffin. it was too sad so I left early. i couldnt handle it anymore. That was the longest day of my entire life.

The weekend flew by and before we knew it, It was a month since his passing. November the 13th. Here was a black-out in Paarl. Darkness everywhere. We all went up to Oliver's house and did the usual. Sat in his room and just talked. i think together we all helped one another get to terms with stuff. Especially things concerning Nicole. It was and still is very tough to forgive her. Alot has hapened since then. ALOT

I think I'll leave it up to you guys. Lemme know if you want to know what happened from then till now. Im out. We having a black out from 4-6pm.

[MiMi_Chan]

I'm sorry to hear all this Tsunade. Losing someone close to you is always a bad thing, and it's never easy. :( It seems as though you were once again on good terms though so I guess that you didn't part ways sourly.


I can't really give you any specific advice because I don't really know how I'd deal with that.

One thing bothers me though, maybe it's just me, but I can't seem to understand the context of the accident really well. You associate this with his ex, yet I thought they broke up a while back. :confused:

[tsunade ^_^]

Oh my bad. i was still getting to that part. Will do it tonight. Tell you all how the accident hapened

[Lukasz]

Too late (2am) to write much but...

Hold on there girl.

[tsunade ^_^]

I'm sorry to hear all this Tsunade. Losing someone close to you is always a bad thing, and it's never easy. :( It seems as though you were once again on good terms though so I guess that you didn't part ways sourly.


I can't really give you any specific advice because I don't really know how I'd deal with that.

One thing bothers me though, maybe it's just me, but I can't seem to understand the context of the accident really well. You associate this with his ex, yet I thought they broke up a while back. :confused:

Oh my bad. i was still getting to that part. Will do it tonight. Tell you all how the accident hapened


I cant write alot at a time. It kinda gets too hectic for me. So I write bit by bit. The reason Im also doing all of this is because the Phsyc said I must do so before I forget everything and then I'll be worse off

[snakeeys]

Life can be more dramatic than soap operas...I lost a friend years ago from heart attack, 19 years old, we weren't best friends though. But i went to his house after and his girlfriend was pale as a ghost...
But i can't see either why Nikky was the reason for this? You suggest that her new amore Ricco had anything to do with the accident? :confused:

[tsunade ^_^]

Read up please

[nitestalker666]

I'm truly sorry for your loss tsunade. It's strange reading your posts. My g/f just lost her best friend whom she had know for 22 yrs(since they were born) to a car accident. It's as if I'm hearing the story all over again 2 weeks later.

The closest person I've ever lost was my grandma. There really isn't anything that makes it better except time. I tried to stay busy so I wouldn't think about it as much. I did the same with my g/f. It did help a little. Everyone grieves in different ways and for different periods of time.

It certainly isn't good to dwell on it for too long or else it'll control your life and mess you up. I'd suggest just trying to live your everyday life as well as you can and don't be too sad. Hope you feel better.

[tsunade ^_^]

Thanks. That helped alot. Its the first time that ive heard that.
I know youre right and that I shouldnt dwell on the past and time is a healer, its just hard and theres days that I get axiety attacks when I see Nicole

[NarutoNineTails]

I think u r doing well tsunade. You have to go through the grieving process. It ain't gonna be easy but just know that you have to live on. I'm sure Oliver would want you to be happy. Don't let his death bring you and his friends down. It seems like you have lot of support from one another. Hang in there and just live and you will notice that the pain will slowly get better. That of course doesn't mean u don't care about oliver anymore but you are moving on to a next chapter in your life.

My dad passed early in my life so I can relate to a certain extent.

[Fool Of Doom]

First time too get on in like.. 2 weeks or something... I wasn't paying attention, and BAM! I find a sad story.

I was listening too "mad world" by Gary Jules while reading. Matched the writing perfectly.

Sorry too hear about your friends death. I'm sure he is enjoying... well whatever comes after death, I can't rightly say. :\

[tsunade ^_^]

Im ready to contiue writting.
So here goes.

CHAPTER FIVE
The truth......

My friend Curt, whom I mentioned earlier, was the last one with Oliver that night. Curt was in hospital. He had broken his one leg and had multiple wounds on his back and 3 broken ribs. I went to visit him everyday since the accident. He had to remain in Hospital for three weeks. It was routine for me. Id wake up, take a shower, get dressed and go to the hospital. Visiting hours was normaly every 5hours. But they let me in anytime because I did everything for him, Oneday when I was busy cutting his hair, he just broke down in tears and begged me to just promise him that everything will be alright. I so wanted to do that but couldnt get myself to it. I just stood there, pale, nodding my head. For I knew that none of us will ever be the same again because we were more than friends. More than family. We were brothers and sisters. Literally grew up together. One looking after the other. And watching one another grow up into young adults. Thats why it felt like a piece of me got burried with Oliver. Something I''ll never be able to get back. The days passed and soon it became time for Curt to return home. I arranged with the crew to be there when he gets home because in my mind I thought that was what he needed. Support! On that day I went with his parents to go and get him. In a sence he was glad and it was a joyous occassion for them but in his eyes I could see there was something troubling him. He was in a wheelchair. So when we got home, the people broke down in tears. I think it was a bit difficult for them to see Curt that way for many of them didnt go see him in the Hospital.

That afternoon we all sat and talked for hours. Everyone talking around the matter at hand. But I think it was good for a change. But Curts eyes. I will never forget it. You could immediatly see that he was in pain. And no it was not physical. It was a pain that could not be healed easily. After everyone had left, he grabbed my hand and asked me to stay. I asked him if he's sure, and if he isnt tired. He then told me to sit and asked me to listen carefully and be patient. So I sat my confused behind down. He then told me to bare with him because it is very hard. But this needs to be said because he knows the bond myself and Oliver had and he wants me to be the first to hear it. My heart shook. For I knew what he was about to tell me. What happened the night of the accident.

I sat up straight and subconciously forced myself to be strong because not by far was I ready to hear it. Curt told me that after me and Rayno left, Ricco returned. He pranced arround like pony trying to aggrivate Oliver. Partially he succeeded because Oliver lost his nerve, again, and went over to Ricco to straighten things out. Curt said they started arguing over Nicole. Ricco then shoved Oliver out of the way and got into his car. Oliver then ran to his car got in, called Curt and both of them took off. Curt said they chased after Ricco. There was just silence in the car. He tried saying a word but couldnt get it out of him because he could see that Oliver was genuinely furious. They drove for 2kms and Curt looked at the speedometer and saw that they were going 190km/h. They were closing in on Ricco and then the car hit a ditch. Curt said that all he could remember from there on is that when the car hit the pavement, both of them put their one arm infront of each others chests, covering in some sort of way. And the last words they both spoke was, "ou bra", meaning my brother! Thats when the car flipped, rolled twice, threw out Curt rolled once more and slung out Oliver where he flew 60meters from the car. That was when he must have hit his head. Curt said that he was unconcious for a while. When he regained conciousness all he could think of was Oliver. He couldnt move, and as he lay there, he shouted and shouted waiting to hear Olivers reply. But all he heard was two ladies. They came to him phoning the ambulance and police. Curt said that they must go look wheres Oliver. The one lady said they found him yes, but when Curt asked how he is, and so the lady could not answer.

That is when Curts nightmare started. Curt said that Oliver's cousin drove by and suddenly stopped. It is as if Jethro was Godsend. For he informed the family and all of us. And he was so brave because Jethro is only 17 years old. And to stumble accross something like that sure isnt easy. But ya

Now you know why I hate Nicole so. Yes I know it was his time to go and yes I know its a sin for blaming others. I just feels that it shouldnt have happened that way because now everyone is going to remeber Oliver as, wait for it, what did the newspaper call it again" the guy who litterally died for love"!

Couldnt things have been better? Nicole is still seeing Ricco. Doesnt she have some morals? How must his parents feel? They did everything for her. Payed for her studies, welcomed and trusted her with their most precious thing. And she went and walked all over it as if it was nothing. Im not saying that she should apologise, all Im saying is that she shoulg stop for a moment and acknowledge that she played some part in everything. The breaking up of his friends and hurting him. Because her attitude now stinks. She thinks shes special and dont owe anyone anything! Not even an explination.

[Sasukemania]

A love triangle that went horribly wrong. Two guys fighting for a girl, then Oliver blinded by his jealousy started chasing Ricco. This kinda reminded me of the game "chicken" in James Dean movie "rebel without a cause". I don't doubt that Ricco and Nikki played Oliver really bad, if she wanted just to be with Ricco she could say it straight to Oliver and end it there....But still you can't say it was entirely her fault that Oliver went psycho with his car after his love rival :(. Sometimes hating others can help us for a while to deal with deeper feelings of sadness and despair but i'm not sure thats the best way to deal with a loss.

[tsunade ^_^]

Oliver didnt go PSYCO on riccos ass:nono:

try putting yourself into that situation.. Him and Nicole dated for four years. He loved her no matter what

[1.M]

First off I have to say, Tsunade I love you for sharing this with us. <3

The story's truly touching (it's made me emotional), and the newspapers are horrible for what they've posted about Oliver.

However Nikki's carelessness is something to be expected. I mean a person in her situation will do everything to themselves in order to deny feelings of "guilt" (if possible it's there). I actually think you shouldn't let her actions get to you - in fact it should be the last thing you do. What I think you should confront is something - a feeling maybe - towards Oliver you had. I mean when I lost my uncle I blamed myself for not having been someone who could have gone comfortably to his house and kept him company so that he wouldn't have gotten ill and died.

I was also mad at him for not trying to reach out to me more as an uncle so that I would feel welcomed into his home, and life - to have that right to care about him as a darling niece is suppose to IMO.

... I'm just saying I think you should be mad at Oliver for not letting go of Nikki when he had a chance before acting so rashly.

I know it's not right of me to say that but ...

There are many views and thoughts people can share with you to help you move on from this there's one that goes as far as:

"I'm sorry the thread's title seem so interesting that I had to read it, but frankly I don't care."

It'd result in indirect anger wouldn't it? Or maybe just you becoming recluse and ever indecisive of sharing things as deep as this ever again with the forum, right?

... I'm sorry, but I can only rant here, even though I did intend to give some advice - at least in the smallest form of a sentence as I could think of, but I just can't.

Unlike you, I didn't loose a brother, I lost an uncle whom I wasn't very close to. An uncle who taught me one thing that brought me closer with the circle of my older siblings, and cousins that I thought I'd never reach. He would even sit around in front of the house with me teasing them. What makes me cry when I think about it the most was the fact that although I always said "I want to be closer with this part of the family" (which included him) is that I never got around to it. And just when it got good he was gone.

What's worse than not making up for the time that I never had with him is thinking about the time I will never have with him. What you have to look forward to remembering everyday, is a moment when Oliver was happy with just you - that one smile that only you receive because it's you. I won't ever have that with my uncle, but I've resolved to having that with the others in my family I'm not too close to.

You should try that too, wanting to make more bonds that are so closely knit together that they hurt. ^_~

Ah, well that's all the time I have to be depressed. I tihnk I'm finally ready for bed.

Thanks for sharing once again. <3~