SOS: Constructive Criticism Thread.

[Nick]

Constructive Criticism Thread.


Hello and Welcome to the constructive criticism thread. This is where you and your fellow RP’ers can only talk about each other’s RP ethic, writing style, writing flaws, and so on.

This thread is not an excuse to flame each other but flaming will be permitted (to a limit). Excessive flaming will however be addressed by the council.

And remember, it’s not considered constructive criticism if you don’t actually tell the person what you don’t like about their work (or behavior) and exactly how you they should try to improve.



Rules:

1. You cannot criticize anybody’s work if you aren’t going to leave a quote of their work so everyone can follow.
2. If flaming is determined Excessive you may be asked to limit your responses to PM’s. Failure to do this may result in an infraction that may result in a 10 day suspension from Narutochaos.com
3. Anyone may step in with their honest opinions at any time.
4. Reserved for future rule.
5. Reserved for future rule.

[oipotty]

hey, if anyone will help me out on my rping, I will be open to help, umm. Check out my mission: Tangible Darkness. Thanks!

[Irv]

alright im gonna check it out right now

[oipotty]

http://forum.narutochaos.com/showthread.php?t=12415

here is a link... thanks yung and whoever else that will help

[Eyeshield 21]

@Nick: You are probably gonna approve mine's and SOTA's mission..so I really want your constru...CC .. I think u are the guy I would want my CC from so.. thanks...

PS. The more you criticise the better...

[Azure Wrath]

Ok, from your last mission that i reviewed this morning, this is what i can tell you
Quality over quantity. Instead of stringing up missions as if you are trying to fill up a skewer for a good roasting, rather sit down, in a patch of grass, look to the sky and dream up a freaking awesome mission. draw the outlines of the mission in your mind. What will it entail? Who will play in it? What role will everyone play? What's this one's personality, what makes this person unique? Create pictures in your mind of where the mission takes place and explain it to us so we get that same picture! Make characters lifelike! Once you hav the outlines of the mission, colour it in! as vividly as you can! detail! Not just by using adjectives, but by giving us additional information. Ie, for the passed mission, the crater, you could explain the many people passing you in the hotel. ou could explain what the hotel looked like. for that matter, explain what the area arround the hotel looked like. and make the story long. not word wise, a stretched out sotry sucks balls. but make the actuall storyline longer

[Irv]

hey, if anyone will help me out on my rping, I will be open to help, umm. Check out my mission: Tangible Darkness. Thanks!

sorry it took so long, i had to do something...anyway to get to the point, Azure said it right...quality over quantity. anyone can write a 10 page story thats full of crap but another person can write 4 pages that puts the reader in the main character's shoes and live out the story. You must be able to read it and vizualize everything thats going on. Be descriptive and use different vocabulary for words that you seem to use more often than others. Nick told me about using a thesaurus in another window when i start using the same words. Also, try to fit the story to your character by showing emotions. Well thats all i can say right now, in all, your stories are interesting and i cant wait for the next one to be finished.

P.s. if you have the time can u give me some CC...:D

[i_feel_tiredsleepy]

Here is my only solo mission done ever... I think I lack narative flair and the ability to write good dialogue that flows...

Anyway feel free to critisize my feelings won't be hurt :p

http://forum.narutochaos.com/showthread.php?t=12321

[Nova]

I have one thing to say to everyone. Add depth to your character! I do not want to see another happy-go-lucky Naruto clone running around. Give your character their own unique personality. Let everything they do reflect their own style. It is ok to "model" a character after what you believe would be a match, but please give them their own unique personality. No more Narutos.....thank you.

[Nick]

I have one thing to say to everyone. Add depth to your character! I do not want to see another happy-go-lucky Naruto clone running around. Give your character their own unique personality. Let everything they do reflect their own style. It is ok to "model" a character after what you believe would be a match, but please give them their own unique personality. No more Narutos.....thank you.

Seconded! I sometimes hold a gun to my head when finished reading some missions...then I think about the children and I put it down...

[remzrevolution]

oipotty if you come back, i just want you to see this.

"Slowly, with much stealth, he slid down and landed with an ever so soft 'thud' on the ground."

that makes me want to stab myself. it sounds like your character magically becomes extreme silent when sneaking.

[oipotty]

fine, next time I'll crash on the floor

slowly, without caution, Asurna landed with a 'BOOM' on the floor...

lol

I understand though, but just so you know, I did a lot of training on stealth

[Azure Wrath]

With extreme caution and the guile of a snake, Asurne slides to the floor, making no noise as his body meets the oak floor.

?

[Sol]

I could use some C&C on my current mission. Especially this post here:

Sol vs Masakado (http://forum.narutochaos.com/showpost.php?p=394880&postcount=12)

I'm not so sure how well I described the battle sequence here. It felt very awkward when I was writing it. Which is in stark contrast to the smooth and flowing battle I had in my head. I would really appreciate any advice or anything anybody could give. Thanks.

[zimmer]

I could need some help on impoving myself. I dont get any critic therefore I dont know what i do wrong so if someone could inform me of what i do wrong, bad or good it would mostly be appreciated.

here is my training thread not much, but atleast something.
http://forum.narutochaos.com/showthread.php?t=11987 (http://forum.narutochaos.com/showthread.php?t=11987)

[MrUseless]

Criticise this one post (it has no real training in it... but It is just story)

http://forum.narutochaos.com/showpost.php?p=395921&postcount=4

Zimmer, my only problem with your writing is it seems like you forget to put in words that make the sentences flow smoothly.

The day was fine as it had been for one week straight it had been no fog or any clouds in a week so it was a lot of people in the streets.

The day was fine, as it had been for the last week. There had been no fog or any clouds, so there were a lot of people in the streets.

Zed hadn’t been ready for Zimmys attack before the shinobi had been over him the strike in his rib sent Zed in the wall on the right side.””

Zed wasn't ready for Zimmys attack, before the shinobi realized, he had been over him with a strike in his ribs. The blow sent Zed into the wall to his right side.””

You have the right ideas Zimmer, you could easily make these minor changes and your RP would improve dramatically. Remember to re-read your sentence after you write it, if it sounds like it is broken, or runs together, try re-wording and organizing it.

<3

[oipotty]

This is for Zimmer, hope it helps.

“”Kishou came out from the academy had passed yes, but he was no near to be a total shinobi. He had a lot to learn and a lot to master before he could be a good shinobi. As he went to his home in Kumo.””

Nice intro, I like how you're setting up yourself for your training. I feel that you could use a more vivid introduction to express the same thing in a stronger and more passionate way.

Kishou came out of the academy, but although he had passed, he was nowhere near to becoming a total shinobi.

That could be a stronger first sentence. What I did was replace some of the rugged and incorrect grammar mistakes. Always pay attention to your grammar. You can be a descriptive as you want, but if you do not have the foundation: spelling and grammar usage, everything will fall apart for the reader.

Now in the introduction, you used the sentences in a very choppy and rugged manner.

Walking back to his home, Kumo, he knew he had a lot to learn before he could become a good shinobi, even though he had passed the academy.

You see, in one sentence, I basically summarized your introduction. Finally for your intro, you use very vague phrases like "total shinobi". What is that supposed to mean? Isn't technically everyone who passes the academy a shinobi, or are some shinobi more complete than others? I think I understand what you mean but always try to be as explicit as possible.

When I get the chance, I'll try to work with the rest of your training.

[oipotty]

””Kishou appeared at the dojo after a long night with sleep. As he stepped in Zimmy sat there on a chair on his side laid his sabre-toothed tiger in a deep sleep.””

Zimmy: that was late? But anyway We wont talk for long I will first see you do push ups in my way and then I want to see dips and. So you will first do 15 seconds with pushups.


Let's see. I like the dialogue that you put into your work. After the first post I made, I see the same patterns of patterns that are woven throughout your work.

I'm going to try to give you a lot of examples to learn from.

Kishou appeared at the dojo after a long nights sleep to find a relaxed Zimmy sitting on a chair with a sabre-toothed tiger by his side.

Same problems, grammer, choppy sentences. This time, you could add some description.

Kishou appeared at the dojo after a long night's sleep to find a relaxed Zimmy sitting on a rickety wooden chair in a poised position. A ferocious-loocking sabre-toothed tiger sat on the right hand side of the chair, peering curiously at his master. When Kishou approached, the tiger looked menacingly at him, but Kishou tried to keep his cool.

Sorry if I added some unwanted things to your post but all I'm trying to do is add more detail. Next is your dialouge.

Zimmy: that was late? But anyway We wont talk for long I will first see you do push ups in my way and then I want to see dips and. So you will first do 15 seconds with pushups.

I find that in dialogue, especially, add better grammar as your character would not be speaking like this. Remember, try to imagine yourself in the position of Zimmy or Kishou. Right now, the clarity of your post is at risk. I can get in more depth but first and foremost, correct your grammar and spelling mistakes.

Zimmy: That was late, but enough talk, I'm going to watch you do pushups and I want to see dips. You will first do fifteen seconds of pushups, then we'll carry on.

Sorry, didn't understand what you meant by dips. As I said, the same mistakes are woven in patterns throughout all your work so if I worked on the rest of your work, it would most likely be the mistakes. I hope this helps.

[oipotty]

Echi smirked at the failed attempt of humor his father had written. He rolled the scroll up, leaving it on the table. He took a few steps from the table, spacing his feet apart.
I'll take this piece by piece as to make it specific. Firstly, I like it that you try to lighten up your work with humor. That is a major part of rping: making it fun for the readers. Combine sentences: "He rolled the scroll up, leaving it on the table. He took a few steps from the table, spacing his feet apart." These two sentences are very choppy. Combine them in anyway you want to make it smoother: "He rolled up the scroll, leaving it on the table and took a few steps from the table, spacing his feet apart." Don't you think that is much more smooth?


Echi: (Alrighty... Sense and replicate...)

His eyes slid shut, and he began to focus on the magnetic pull of the earth. He formed a hand seal, the hairs on his neck rose as he began to mix his lightning and earth chakra, swirling them together in reverse directions.

Echi: (replicate... replicate... replicate...)

The chakra began to bind together, and slowly Echi tuned it closer and closer to the frequency of the earth. His eyes shot open, as he began to center his chakra into his feet. He fealt the pressure on his feet lessen, he concentrated the chakra and suddenly released it in a sudden burst.

...
A little spelling mistake, but it's nothing. There is nothing much that I can say as this was written very well. I like your technicality that is very necessary in training. This gives the reader a very secure sense that your character knows what he is doing. There is just a little thing that I would change, but you may not necessarily change: "He fealt the pressure on his feet lessen, he concentrated the chakra and suddenly released it in a sudden burst." Instead of the comma and repetitive 'he', you can use do this: "He felt the pressure on his feet lessen and concentrated his chakra, suddenly releasing it in a sudden burst.

Failure! Echi fealt a small lift under his heels, but remained firmly on the ground. He reformed his hand seal, and began to mold his chakra in his feet. He was building up as much chakra as possible, getting closer and closer to his limit.

Echi: (more...)

The soles of his feet began to burn - the chakra was seeping through his skin, and the iron-rich blood flowing through his legs fealt as though it were being ripped out, the pain was excrutiating. Echi forced the chakra into a tight ball, and released it from his feet...

I like the progressing sense of this segment. More spelling errors, but it's fine. There is nothing I can say, with my ability, to this section.

As he released the chakra, he popped into the air slighty, and his legs crumpled from exhaustion as he came back down. He was slumped over his legs, face flat on ground. His legs had the sensation of being pierced by thousands of hot needles. He winced as he rolled over onto his back. Echi began whiping the tears running down his face, and the pain in his legs slowly turned to numbness.

Echi: (God... What did I do?)

Echi could no longer move or feel his legs... He lay there, staring up at the sky, the clouds were rolling in, it would soon rain. He closed his eyes, tears still dripping off his face as he passed out from the shock...

More spelling errors... :p
A lot of description of the pain was written, but there is still room for more. Read over your work after you write and ask yourself this question: "Are the sentences smooth?" It isn't absolutely necessary, but your sentences structure needs work. You give details and have great sentences, but you need to work on stranding them together. Your ideas are great but what you need to accomplish is to make them one coherent thought. I believe the solution is: Read your work over!

(A distant voice): Oh shit! What happened...

Echi was still unconcious as he was lifted up and carried away in great haste by a large man...
More spelling errors... haha...
nothing for the last sentence, but has room for more description.... but, meh...





Overall, great rping! The two main problems are:

1. Stranding the sentences together more coherently
2. Spelling (always good to have good spelling)

There are a couple other problems in a few places. Some could add more description, some could be more explicit, but everything is great! Great rping, and keep it up!

I hope this helps...

[Irv]

Ok GW...I finished reading the training and the first thing that I noticed is that you have a very descriptive mind and you are very imaginative. That is something that is very rare in some training threads because most people just copy the training right out of the show and do it exactly like the show does.

One thing that I suggest you work on is grammar. Try writing your post in Microsoft Word and do a spell check or some type of corrective program. Another thing you should work on is combining multiple sentences into one smooth sentence. For example:

Neo puts his left feet on the wall and then the other one. The world has just turned 90 degrees, he is standing on the wall seeing the sun staring right in front of him, and gravity pulling him from the back, making him feel like he is on another planet.

As Neo placed his left foot on the wall of the tower followed by his right, the world that he knew was turned 90 degrees. While he stood staring at the sun, Neo felt an invisible force tugging him down towards the ground.

As I said before, you are a gifted RP'er, but it's just some minor problems that popped up while I was reading. I hope this helps you out some:D!!!

[Irv]

Alright VRR...you have alot of potential for the SOS. You are on the right track in your academy fight with the Almight Azure Wrath. Now one thing that I noticed is that you are pulling out items that you don't really own yet, but I don't know if it is counted in the academy but careful with that when you are out because it is punishable by the council for false use of any jutsu, item, or weapon. Second, your character's personality is a little broken. Tenks seems to be a bit arrogant at times, for example:

*seeing that the academy teacher had made a shield around himself stopping the kunai and wire from fully tightening he reached into his kunai holder and took out another kunai

Tenks: (you may have stopped the kunai but you cant hold that shield forever... when you drop it im gonna finish tightening it and throw this kunai right in your eyeball)

Tenks: haha you just gonna waste all your charka on that shield? drop it so I can kill you sensai!


*As the shield vanished the line came alive with energy, Tenks's arm spasmed backward so fast it forced him to take a few steps with it.

*It was then he saw his teacher kicking the Kunai one by one, the first kunai heading for his left leg hit, forcing the leg out from underneath him and droping into a kneeling position: the fall actually helped him get his Kunai in range to deflect the Kunai going for his right leg and from that position he simply fell forward to the ground causing the one aiming for his shoulder to only graze him.

Tenks: (Ive gotta stop throwing things at this guy)

* Laying among the blood and tears that lay forever stained into the dirty hardwood floor, Tenks speaks!

Tenks: ha... I wonder how many peoples wills you've broken here? what... you... you think you can break me? ha... i bet you hate yourself even more then i do... you are not worth my hate...

*pushes himself up on one knee

Tenks: But youve got it anyway, most would think you deserve pity, yet it was people like you who "broke in" the ones who killed my father, who "broke" them so they would looked past their hearts and take orders like good boys and girls... and kill the man trying to save his son...

*starting to rise on two feet

Tenks: God your face disturbs me... do you really think your all that? Kiun got more women then you've ever seen!...

After I read this I was hoping that Azure doesn't kill your character and make you start all over.

Another thing that I notice is that you know how to take a hit. Nobody likes taking hits but you understand that you are facing an experienced jounin. Keep up the good work, but keep in mind that your character is not even a genin yet so you won't cause any damage to Azure at all.

The last thing that you need to know is about the bunshin no jutsu. A regular bunshin is just a hologram of yourself. The clone can't cause damage, make noise, or effect the enviroment. With that said, your last attack is see-thru. Without looking at the spoiler he knows which one is you. Take that into consideration when using the bunshin no jutsu. Be aware of your surroundings for example:
Tenks: BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!

3 bunshins form, it seems this time, tenks if going straight at Azure! one jumps on a desk to the right and pushes off to the left... coming at his upper torso from the side, one slides on the ground to take out his legs, and one just continues to push forward, seeming to take him head on!

The first one jumped on the desk and pushed off of it but it won't make any noise landing on top of the desk and the desk won't move when it pushes off...the second one slides on the ground without making a sound...and the third one runs foward and with every footstep making a sound.

You need to be aware of your surroundings and the level of expierence that the opponent has.

http://forum.narutochaos.com/showpost.php?p=379426&postcount=28

This is the url to my first attack in the academy. Notice what I did when I used the bunshin no jutsu.

Overall, you are a great rp'er in the making. Keep up the good work and try not to make your character arrogant like naruto when you cant back it up yet:p:D:D

[Sol]

I could use some C&C on my current mission. Especially this post here:

Sol vs Masakado (http://forum.narutochaos.com/showpost.php?p=394880&postcount=12)

I'm not so sure how well I described the battle sequence here. It felt very awkward when I was writing it. Which is in stark contrast to the smooth and flowing battle I had in my head. I would really appreciate any advice or anything anybody could give. Thanks.

Bump.

IDK if anybody saw it, but I would really appreciate some help with this.

Thanks.

[Antagonist]

http://forum.narutochaos.com/showthread.php?p=409459#post409459

this is hopefully my last post in the academy, if it goes good the Ten'un clan exists and irv gets $500, any cc i could get to make it the best it could be would be awesome... tryin to make it great before azure sees it!

[Irv]

http://forum.narutochaos.com/showthread.php?p=409459#post409459

this is hopefully my last post in the academy, if it goes good the Ten'un clan exists and irv gets $500, any cc i could get to make it the best it could be would be awesome... tryin to make it great before azure sees it!

Ok VRR...One thing about your post is that it is good in my eyes and I'm not lying. Now in the final test of the Academy, the teacher usually sends the student somewhere to complete a task. In your case, Azure sent you to the casino(and this one is stranger than anyone elses) because everybody wants to see your bloodline in action. With that said you should be writing with one thing in mind and that is the goal you are setting out to accomplish. Whenever you write a mission/training/or anything else, remember the 5 W's and the H:
Who
What
When
Where
Why
How

Who is doing it...Tenks, what is he doing...going to put his bloodline in action, when is he doing it...as soon as he walks out of the academy, where is he doing it...at the casino, why is he doing it...to show that his bloodline is realistic, and how is he doing it...by gambling. After you answer these questions, start planning it out, put an obstacle in his way and see where it takes him. Reminising about the past is a great time saver but don't go that deep into it. Try and show a little about Tenks too while describe your surroundings. Another thing that I noticed is the paragraphs that ending up being one sentence. You need to know when and where to put a period instead of another coma. For example:
*One week after her parents were killed trying to break him out of the camp she arrived at the mere age of fifteen... to become one of the Bandit leaders sex toys, and when she got in she quickly sought him out and started to spend time with him, to save him from becoming just another bandit, the bandit king noticed all the time she spent with him but didn't raise a fuss, he and his bandits were enjoying getting out their carnal pleasures on such a willing young girl and didn't want to spoil that.

One week after her parents were killed trying to break Tenks out of the camp, Chalice arrived at the mere age of fifteen as Iwao Ohira, the bandit leader, sex toy. After taking her first steps into the camp, Chalice sought Tenks and spent time with him inorder to save him from becoming another bandit. Iwao noticed all the time that she spent with Tenks but never raised a fuss because he and his bandits enjoyed their carnal pleasure from such a willing young girl, and he didn't want to spoil that.

Notice the difference? I wrote pretty much the same thing but smoother and it still has the same meaning. Take a look at my final test in the academy My Final Test (http://forum.narutochaos.com/showpost.php?p=383205&postcount=35). One last thing about your post, try not to win on your first try. Lose a couple of dollars first because you don't want your bloodline to look like it works just like that. Remember that you were in a bandit camp which I would think was not a lucky place to be in. Try winning on you last five dollars.

In all, you're post was above the skill of a someone new to the SOS so keep up the great rp'ing and I will see you in the SOS League one day for some real PvP fighting:D:D:D

[kjrav]

I would appreciate some CC...I know I havn't been on much, but the writing i have done just feels weird.

[Kumo]

i'd like CC too... my writing just doesn't feel right...

Edit: ok, here's something... Someone gave me a challenge... write a paragraph about someone dropping red paint on somebody and make it interesting for the writer and reader... so i did.

In the semi-darkness below, as mist shrouded the street, a man in a plain white shirt and a top hat came walking down the street, his head buried in a copy of Crime and Punishment. He was wearing shades even though it was late at night and he was muttering to himself as he went...

"Quart of milk, loaf of bread, pound of sugar, stick of butter, apple juice... Quart of milk, loaf of bread, pound of sugar, stick of butter, apple juice..."

In the darkness, on a roof two stories up, a boy with untidy black hair leaned over the side, looking only with his eyes. Next to him was a can of red paint. He chuckled.

"Finally... this shade of red ain't really my style anyway..." Kumomaru remarked to himself.

The man walked under, near the best position. Kumomaru felt his heart pound with the rush pranking someone always gave him.

The man seemed to finish the chapter, and decide the dead of night wasn't a good time to read a book wearing sunglasses. He marked the book, leaned down to put it in his bag...

And red paint splattered all over him. He jumped up, yelling.

"YOU BRAT!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!"

But Kumomaru was already gone, laughing as he went across rooftops, heading towards Ojisan's forge. He needed to pick up an order for his sensei.

[oipotty]

FOR YUNG IRV

*Makoto's rejoice was followed by a stern serious look as he gazed at the clay gourd laying in the sand. His mission was to be able to turn the gourd into sand and then turn it into a sand gourd. After he does that Makoto is going to try and fill it up with his own sand so he can use it on missions where there aren't any native resources.*

Makoto: Lets get this show on the road!

*Makoto, as enthusiastic as ever, reached for the gourd and placed both hands on it. As his hands grasped the item, Makoto thought of what he did the first time he did the Suna Heiki no jutsu. Gripping the container, Makoto lifted it towards his chest and started to meditate, trying to be one with the object.*
Let's begin. It was a very good intro, Yung, as you described much of Makoto's emotions. I can feel Makoto's enthusiasm and eagerness to train. Some of your sentence structures aren't the best. For example, "His mission was to be able to turn the gourd into sand and then turn it into a sand gourd." I think I know what you are saying by this, but it could be put in a more fluent manner to make it easier for the reader to read. "His goal was to turn the gourd into sand then turn it into a sand gourd." Although that may not be perfect, I would go with the second sentence. You added in too many words to flower your sentence up. That just makes in tedious for the reader to read.

Makoto thought of what he did the first time he did the Suna Heiki no Jutsu.

"Did, did, did" I think that makes the sentence very rough. This is a very slight problem, but I will just mention it. Try this:

Makoto thought of what steps he took the first time he used Suna Heiki no Jutsu.

Repeating words are always extremely tedious. Just something very minor, in your last sentence, the correct wording is: "become one with the object." instead of "be one with the object." Become is a process that comes from achieving, and that is what Makoto is doing.

Makoto: I am the gourd...I am the sand that created it and I am the sand that controls it. It is nothing but an extension of my physical body, but we are one mentally. My chakra runs thru every mineral that is compressed within the gourd...I AM THE GOURD!!!

*Makoto started to focus chakra into the gourd. He could feel his blood warming up...the Sunaton blood that flowed thru every vein in his body. He started to feel this funny sensation as if he was getting larger. He opened his eyes and seen that the gourd was slowly turning into sand before him, mixing with the dessert.*

Makoto: Good its transforming...now to speed up the process.

*Makoto started to concentrate more chakra into the breaking object. He started to feel the gourd break, but as it fell he could still every mineral.*

Makoto: Its starting to fuse with my chakra...this is becoming my very own sand to control at will.
Now I feel your char does a lot of thinking, and not much showing. You could use more showing. There is a technique in writing that it is better to show, rather than tell. You could show how he becomes one with the gourd, show the reader how tired your character is, rather than say "Makoto is tired." You didn't do that, but just keep that in mind for future reference.


*As the gourd broke and fell to the ground, Makoto started to make a new gourd from the parts that broke off. As he finished the gourd in his hands the one on the floor began to take shape. It was almost like an hour glass, the sand that fell from the top section piled up on the bottom causing a brand new gourd. When the change was finished, Makoto felt like he had total control over the container. He caused it to fall to pieces and spread out in the sand. When he called it back together, five piles of sand formed and shot out of the ground like fireworks. The sand surrounded Makoto and came closer to his body forming the gourd on his back. Makoto was pleased with his training but he was far from over. Now he had to fill it up with his own sand. As he took his first step, Makoto became light-headed and stumbled on the sand. He fell to one knee and realized that he was breathing heavily so he took a break. Makoto walked towards the cliff that he practiced in front of and took shade under its massive height.*

Makoto: Whew!!! I sure am glad that the day is almost over.

*As his break continued, Makoto put his hands on the sand next to him. Trying so desperatly to get that feeling he had with the gourd, Makoto concentrated yet again to sink his chakra deep down within the ground to pull out sand that has never seen the light of day in thousands of years. Makoto put all of his effort into today's training so far that he didn't want to fail.*
Be Assertive! Don't say "it was almost like an hour glass", say "it was like an hour glass." That is a critical part in writing that you should keep in mind. Use a simile or a metaphor, don't say "almost". That is just how I feel about "almost" or how you use "almost". When you used the simile that the sand shooting up like fireworks, you didn't say that sand shooted up almost like fireworks, so that was good.

"Trying so desperately to get that feeling he had with the gourd." Could have been written better for again, the sentence structure is not that great. "Trying so desperately to attain the feeling that he shared with the gourd." That would be a much stronger sentence. The last sentence "Makoto put all of his effort into today's training." Today? "Makoto put all of his effort into that day's training." That is much better.



Makoto: Got...to...accomplish...training...today.

*Makoto started to feel the sand rising from deep within the dessert. Sand shot out of the ground like a geyser and into the gourd that was on Makoto's back. Makoto released his concentration as the last mineral fell into place.*

Makoto: Damn...it wasn't enough to fill the gourd. It only filled up about a quarter of of it and I only have enough chakra to fill up half of the gourd today and enough to get home afterwards.

*After taking a large breath of fresh air, Makoto exhaled it and inhaled again. He started to calm down a little and he wiped the sweat that formed on his neck off into the sand. Even though he was in the shade, the sand was still hot enough to cause steam when the sweat touched it. Makoto began his concentration once more.*

Makoto: I am the sand...I am the sand...I AM THE SAND!!!

*As the chakra traveled down into the ancient sand Makoto couldn't help to realize that with everyday that passes, he takes another step towards becoming as strong as the Kazekage of Sunagakure. Makoto flinched a little and removed his hands from the sand and pulled up, raising the sand from its ancient slumber and into his gourd. As the sand raised up, it reminded Makoto of a wall.*
The first part of this section was very well written, but the last paragraph needs a lot of work. You begun with the chakra "traveled" then you proceeded to "takes" then you move again onto "raised and reminded". Choose your tense, and stick with it!

Makoto: *Breathing hard* Thats it...I'm thru for today...it's time to go home.

*Makoto stood up and with a little stumbling was finally able to get on his feet. Luckily he kept a little chakra for the walk home because the half filled container on his back added a little weight and Makoto was already packing an extra forty pounds. He walked towards his tekkos and picked them up and placed them in his gourd by making an opening big enough for them. He walked towards the entrance and made his way thru the valley and passed the two guards from before.

Guard #2: How was training kid?

Makoto: Great and showed alot of progress. See you guys later.

Guard #1: So long and take care.

*As Makoto walked past the Kazekage's place he seen Gaara peering down at him and nod his head. Makoto returned a smile and a nod right back at him and made his way down the street. Makoto made a right and a then a left and he was at his house. As Makoto thought about the wall of sand that he seen it just so happen to hit him.*
First sentence: "Makoto stood up and with a little stumbling was finally able to get on his feet."
Huh? So he got up, then got on his feet. How can Makoto stand up and then get on his feet? Is this what you mean?

"Makoto, after stumbling a little, was finally able to stand up."

"As Makoto walked past the Kazekage's place he seen Gaara peering down at him and nod his head."

what?

"As Makoto walked past the Kazekage's mansion, he saw Garra peering down at him, nodding his head."

Is that what you mean?



Makoto: That reminded me of that jutsu in the scrolls. The Hei Suna no jutsu(Sand Wall). Maybe I should ask Kazekage-sama to teach it to me since its a defensive technique that comes in handy. Yep the Hei Suna no jutsu will be the next one.

*As Makoto dragged his weary body to his mattress his eyes began to close and his body began to fall. Makoto timed everything right for his body landed safely in the the comfort of his bed and fell fast to sleep.*
last paragraph is fine.


Now overall, you did very well with this piece of training. Just keep in mind the things that I mentioned above. Also, remember this...


Concrete Nouns
Descriptive Adjectives
Vivid Verbs


This is just in general for your writing.... keep it in mind when you write, because it always helps me.

Concrete Nouns
The Kazekage's Place
The Kazekage's Mansion

Descriptive Adjectives
small
miniature
tiny
petite

Vivid Verbs
Walked towards the cliff
Ambled towards the cliff
Meandered towards the cliff

these were all taken from your work, hope it helps.

I also really enjoy your personification. They added much humor to your training.

In all, I think there was a great lack of adjectives... add more. I went through the post and there had to be 20 great places I could've added adjectives.

Hope this helps, good luck...

[kjrav]

are you gonna help me too?PLEAZ!

[oipotty]

me???
are you talking to me?

[kjrav]

sure why not, I appreciate anyone's opiion, except T Nova.

[oipotty]

I'll get to it when I have the chance. Would you like me to pick something from your mission?

[kjrav]

Sure why not, I just want to get better in any way possible.

[Kumo]

i'd like CC too... my writing just doesn't feel right...

Edit: ok, here's something... Someone gave me a challenge... write a paragraph about someone dropping red paint on somebody and make it interesting for the writer and reader... so i did.

In the semi-darkness below, as mist shrouded the street, a man in a plain white shirt and a top hat came walking down the street, his head buried in a copy of Crime and Punishment. He was wearing shades even though it was late at night and he was muttering to himself as he went...

"Quart of milk, loaf of bread, pound of sugar, stick of butter, apple juice... Quart of milk, loaf of bread, pound of sugar, stick of butter, apple juice..."

In the darkness, on a roof two stories up, a boy with untidy black hair leaned over the side, looking only with his eyes. Next to him was a can of red paint. He chuckled.

"Finally... this shade of red ain't really my style anyway..." Kumomaru remarked to himself.

The man walked under, near the best position. Kumomaru felt his heart pound with the rush pranking someone always gave him.

The man seemed to finish the chapter, and decide the dead of night wasn't a good time to read a book wearing sunglasses. He marked the book, leaned down to put it in his bag...

And red paint splattered all over him. He jumped up, yelling.

"YOU BRAT!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!"

But Kumomaru was already gone, laughing as he went across rooftops, heading towards Ojisan's forge. He needed to pick up an order for his sensei.PLEASE!!!!

[oipotty]

OoC: Kjrav, I'll CC you next... I told VRR I would long time ago...



Get up, It's eleven...

Tenks: ...gah?.... oh god

*Sunlight flooded the room, Tenks had just got out of the hospital AND the academy yesterday, so he was considerably wore out. He had slept in and not woken Chalice and now was face to face with the very angry, dirty, acme-scarred Owner... it wasn't a good way to start a day.

Tenks: (lets start this over hmmm?)

*he closed his eyes and turned over on his side, awaiting the Hostel owners next move... although it was a let down and very predictable.

Hostel Owner: GET UP IVE GOT TO CLEAN THE ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!

*On cue Tenks opened his eyes to be met with a look at Chalice: surprisingly the outburst had even woken her up and she was now stretching out on her bed, normally he had to push her out of bed, literally, she had no use for the morning, and when left alone would lay in bed till the afternoon, which was understandable as she loved the night. Like always, she looked gorgeous in the morning, warmth and love seemed to radiate from her... This scene was a complete polar opposite from his first "wake up"

Tenks: (Now that I'm out of the academy I'll be able to stay up and train auras with her now!)

*The future was looking good

SFX: CREEEEAAAK!!! The hostel owner had turned the bed on its side, throwing Tenks out!

Tenks: Ow,are you out of your mind Jerry!!!!!!!

Hostel Owner: STOP WITH THE PHILOSOPHY AND GET OUT OF MY HOSTEL IVE GOT TO CLEAN THE ROOM!

Chalice: haha, mercy mercy, we shall be gone in a half hour Jerry... so'kay dude?

Jerry: fine Chalice, i expect payment in thirty minutes you dirty whore

*As Jerry leaves the room the two furiously run around the room to get ready in complete silence: Tenks had been hearing such talk and couldnt figure out how to comprehend it, Chalice didn't know how to explain without further empowering Tenks bitter hatred. when they were ready they paid Jerry and set out a well secluded area.

Chalice: ah, its bright out Tenks! whats up with that?!?! ... well anyway I guess this signifies the rebirth of the Ten'un clan hmm? I feel so fortunate to be able to be a part of this with you... and give you the tools needed to begin. I have been training with the earth affinity for some time as you know, and developed this jutsu for you! Its an "unleashed aura" so it dosnt consume as much charka as true aura's... which is good considering your lack of charka control; It will still be hugly taxing on your Charka pool though.



Tenks: (wow, this is so aweso... wait a minute.)

Tenks: so you need dust in the air for it to work?

Chalice: Indeed!

Tenks: it only lasts for a minute of two?

Chalice: Obiously!

Tenks: It affects me as well?

Chalice: Most Definitally!

Tenks: well, thats kinda... odd

Chalice: ah, ingrateful lil' Tenks, yes it isnt great... and I have no doubt that you will be able to make auras the likes which I could never believe in time... however this is the best I could do, and its at least a start hmmm!?!?!?!?

Tenks: I didnt mea-

Chalice: so how about you give It a try dude? I wanna go back to bed before too long: the sun... it burns haha.

Tenks: Okay but we need to get out of that hostel soon... I... I dont like the way Jer-

Chalice: come on Tenks, this is no time to be emo!, enjoy yourself!

Tenks: Okay!

Tenks:( so its this, then this, then this, then this, then this, then...)

Tenks: Hiru bugu no jutsu!!!!

SFX: Blink Blink

Tenks: (nothing happened...)

Chalice: gah, I had hoped the last of the Ten'un line would just ace it so I could go back to bed yet it seems now to be a hope unfulfilled... It seems I will actually have to each you how to mold earth affinity charka

Chalice: well since Kiun modified his body to naturally excel at aura's you should molding charka perfectly... he made it hereditary of course, I would say the biggest problem would be your clumsy hand seals and the fact you have no idea what it should look like, so I will show you sokay dude?

*Chalice spun as she got up, dragging her left foot in a circle quickly: which kicked up a bit of dust, when she turned back towards tenks her hands were in the "serpent" hand seal position.

Chalice: Hiru bugu no jutsu!

*with that she glowed for a brief second and the air started to distort around her like a shock-wave, looking much like a fun house mirror. He didn't feel anything when it reached him though as the dust was no where near him.

Chalice: the "the serphant" seal is the most important seal for molding earth jutsu, it is what will change your charka to earth charka, it also seems to be the seal your having the most trouble with. After forming the seals visualize what should happen, that being the distortion-like wave that radiates out afterwards: binding with the particles in the air.

Tenks: (okay... so its serpent, then this, then this, then this, then serpent, then... running fun-house mirror wave)

Tenks: Hiru bugu no jutsu!!!!

*Nothing happens again

Tenks: Im sorry Chalice I rea-

Chalice: no problems, allot better actually, just a little wobbly at the seals still, show me your pinky muscles Tenks! your doin great!

Tenks: (k, for the love of Kiun... its this, then this, then this, then this, then this, then... SUPER COOL FUN-HOUSE MIRROR WAVE!)

Tenks: Hiru bugu no jutsu!!!!

*a faint glow pulsates from Tenks and he collapses into Chalices waiting arms.

Tenks: (whoa, i did it... wow thats exhausting... )

Chalice: Kiuns gift runs strong in you Tenks, you have succeeded in the first step of your journey ahead... however my nefarious side plot has also succeeded! now you look tired enough that we can both go back to bed and get up later at not quite such a godforsaken time haha... ooo im crafty eh?

Tenks: your so beautiful...

Chalice: aw Tenks stop it, your making me blush!

Tenks: your gonna make someone such a happy man...

Chalice: well I can always dream

Tenks: why do they treat you so mean?...

Chalice: Dont worry about that now Tenks, common lets go home, Thats enough training today.

Tenks: please, can we go somewhere besides the Hostel? I hate it there...

Chalice: I understand, Just sleep here for now, I'll go try and find a new place.

Tenks: thank you so much

Chalice: Dont wo-

*Tenks had already fallen asleep before Chalice could respond. She kissed him on the forehead then left for town.

I'll get right to it, your first training post is almost all dialogue. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, but you need a more even balance between dialogue and description. Your training has a huge lack of description and adjectives. Now imagine yourself in a hotel room, what do you see? What do you smell? What do you hear? What do you feel? Ask yourself these questions before you write.

Have you ever been in a hotel? Do you see the sunlight first? Do you feel the warmth of the bed? Do you see lamps? Describe the manager. Is he a manager with a beard? A mustache? Does he have a disgusting stench coming out of his pits? You get my point.





I hope you don't use this format for all of your training. Intro to jutsu, attempt, fail, attempt, fail, attempt, succeed, closure. Add some storyline. I mean, its ok to follow the format, but there seems to be no depth in your training.

Tenks: Hiru bugu no jutsu!!!!

*a faint glow pulsates from Tenks and he collapses into Chalices waiting arms.

Tenks: (whoa, i did it... wow thats exhausting... )

what the heck? You basically did that three times. Instead of saying that was exhausting, why don't you show it?

Tenks: Hiru bugu no jutsu

*A faint glow pulasated methodically out of Tenks's body as he tried to sustain it. It was too much for him to handle as he fell into Chalices awaiting hands, exhausted. Sweat dripped slowly down the genin's head, Chalices' shirt absorbing the sweat. She didn't mind, but looked at Tenks smilingly. He got up again, a little dizzy from using that much chakra, and stretching looking confident but weary.

Next point, use correct tense. I don't know what you're using, present or past, or past participle! Choose a tense, then stick with it or else it just makes things confusing for the reader.

I know that wasn't the best paragraph ever, I need to do more thinking on that paragraph but it is sure better than saying "Whoa, this is exhausting".



Final thing, spelling and grammar mistakes. This isn't the spam room so you need to try to avoid these mistakes. I can understand if you miss one or two words and punctuations, but if you miss ten, that's not right. PROOFREAD YOUR WORK!

I cannot go into any further depth of CCing until you improve the above.






I am sorry if I was a little harsh, but all I'm trying to do is make you a better rper. Thanks, I hope this helps.

[Raki]

Uh op , I think VRR's post in the beginning was pretty straight forward and great. He doesn't need to tell the hotel owner's description.
__________________________________________________ ________________

SFX: CREEEEAAAK!!! The hostel owner had turned the bed on its side, throwing Tenks out!

Tenks: Ow,are you out of your mind Jerry!!!!!!!

Hostel Owner: STOP WITH THE PHILOSOPHY AND GET OUT OF MY HOSTEL IVE GOT TO CLEAN THE ROOM!

Chalice: haha, mercy mercy, we shall be gone in a half hour Jerry... so'kay dude?

Jerry: fine Chalice, i expect payment in thirty minutes you dirty whore

*As Jerry leaves the room the two furiously run around the room to get ready in complete silence: Tenks had been hearing such talk and couldnt figure out how to comprehend it, Chalice didn't know how to explain without further empowering Tenks bitter hatred. when they were ready they paid Jerry and set out a well secluded area.

Chalice: ah, its bright out Tenks! whats up with that?!?! ... well anyway I guess this signifies the rebirth of the Ten'un clan hmm? I feel so fortunate to be able to be a part of this with you... and give you the tools needed to begin. I have been training with the earth affinity for some time as you know, and developed this jutsu for you! Its an "unleashed aura" so it dosnt consume as much charka as true aura's... which is good considering your lack of charka control; It will still be hugly taxing on your Charka pool though.

__________________________________________________ _________________
-The way he talks basically tells it all , such as the yelling and stuff. If he adds more , it would basically bore the reader.. For the training , I have to agree , yes add more descriptions to make the paragraph longer , train more. There's more to be added such as trying a method and failling , try a different method and fail again. Finally , combine both and suceed. You get the point. Add some descriptions on how he moves while learning the jutsu. The beginning was great. (Punches Op)>.>

[oipotty]

I see your point. The point I was trying to get at was making more description in general, not necessarily the hotel owner, but everywhere.

[Sol]

For Jasper:

Okay, so I read your latest post Jasp. I have to say that I can see a big improvement in your descriptiveness. It was really good to read, nice work. There is only one thing I can say in critique.

When you were doing push up training, it seemed you focused to much on counting the number of push ups and how you did them. Everybody knows what a push up looks like. You only really need to go into a great deal of discription if you are doing like amazingly difficult push ups (like one handed, or hand stand push ups). You could also describe it in great detail if your character is doing it wrong and your sensei teaches you how to do it right. This builds contrast.

You have done push ups right? Of course you have, pretty much everybody in the world has. But what happens after a while? Most people keep count in their head, but that isn't the only thing going on in there. Usually they begin to think about other things, their mind wanders on other tasks or things that have happened or will happen. Usually when this happens people tend to suddenly "pop" back into their training, only to realize that they have done more push ups / sit ups then they expected to do. What does this accomplish?

Not only does it extend your word count, it gives you another chance to hint at his character, it also gives you a much smoother time skip transition then: "15 minutes later". Doing things like that will improve the flow of your writing and make it seem less forced. You get what I am trying to say?

Again, really good writing, I look forward to you what you add next! X)

[Antagonist]

ah, anyone feel like cc'in my training? that be super cool

[oipotty]

I will say one thing to help you pamfles, check your tenses and correct them... you switch between past and present

[papfles]

if it's about that one past tense in the beginning part, I've changed that. About other possible wrong tenses, please point them out, because I don't see them right now :)

[oipotty]

I think it is good, but I like to use the past tense... I believe almost everyone does...

[Irv]

Katsu Gaiden: Chapter 1 (http://forum.narutochaos.com/showpost.php?p=419059&postcount=10)

Ok Nick...after reading this training post, I realized why you are in the Scribes of Konoha. Better yet, I now understand why you grade a majority of the missions that are completed because this is one of the best post that I have read. I was able to put my feet into the shoes of Katsu as he traveled down memory lane to an important speech with the village leader.

In this part that I pulled from your post, I felt that there were some minor, and I mean minor, grammatical errors:
As he watched the monks throw all 3 infants into the nearby well of water, Katsu, now 5 years old, sat forward with his mouth agape tugging at his mother's sleeve. He and his mother had been sitting in the front row as they watched the village monks carryout the ceremony.

As he watched the monks throw 3 three infants into a nearby well of water, Katsu, now 5 years old, sat forward with his mouth agape tugging at his mother's sleeve. He and his mother had been sitting in the front row as they watched the village monks carryout the ceremony.

I may be wrong, but this post kept on stabbing at me for some reason:D

Also, in this post:

Katsu's mother: Shhhhh…Katsumaru-kun, you must not speak during the 'Sifting ceremony'.


Katsu's mother: Shhhhh…Katsumaru-kun, you must not speak during the 'Sifting Ceremony'.

Nothing much, but I felt that the word ceremony should be capitalized in this case.

Other than those two, I feel as if this post is the best that I have read so far. It was a perfect example of 'Quality Over Quantity' in my eyes. I hope that the little that I could fine is enough to help you out.

Great Job:D:D:D

[oipotty]

Katsu Gaiden Chapter 1 ( http://forum.narutochaos.com/showpost.php?p=419059&postcount=10)

O.K. I think this work was very nicely done, culminating with a very profound meaning of 'shinobi'. I really like that! There are a few minor mistakes, like the onces irv mentioned, and two or three missing commas.

For example, your first sentence:


As Katsu closed his eyes and knelt in meditation he traveled back to that day long ago. That faithful Spring where his story all began…


You could change it to: "As Katsu closed his eyes and knelt in meditation, he traveled back to that day long ago. That faithful spring where his story all begun...

There are a few other minor errors like that but I will not spell them all out. I want to talk about a broader issue that may be correct, and may be incorrect, depending on your view. I would just like to share it.

Katsu opens his eyes from meditating and looks at the blade in front of his face. He looks down the steel’s reflection with ease as the tip floats a fraction of a millimeter away from the skin above his nose and between his eyes.

Well, you have used present tense all throughout your post with no errors, that's good. But if you are going to use present tense, let it flow more between your sentences.

Opening his eyes from meditating, Katsu looks at the blade propped up in front of his face. Looking at his reflection on the steel with ease, he notices the tip floating a fraction of a millimeter away from the skin above his nose and between his eyes.

This may not get the feeling or meaning that you wanted, but in my opinion, it flows better.

Suddenly one of the monks slowly shakes his head 'no' to the head monk. And almost immediately, a young woman standing off to the sideline of the crowd breaks down in tears and falls to her knees.


No and needed in that sentence... just saying...

And as the monks give the lifeless child back to its weeping mother she embraces it in her arms and runs off, dropping a small 'baby’s rattle' on the ground next to the well.
gives, not give...

there are many of these types of errors in your writing, all I can advise is to proofread and they will all be fixed.

[Antagonist]

ah, irv I finally got around to reading it, it isnt the kind of training I enjoy by any means but it was well detailed and I followed it easily, so you definitally earned the approval.

so while you are not gonna get grammer, spelling, etc advice im just gonna say dont make it so methodical, get interupted or go have a scenario come out where you need to use your new found ability... for example

you hear some old lady screaming her cat is stuck in a tree so you quickly pack up your materials (although your a little grumpy about this) and head over to see how you can help, you then realize that this is a perfect situation for your new wind jutsu, and after a few tries you cut the tree down and get the cat down... at which time the old lady throws the cat aside and chases you off for cutting down her tree lol!!! think of the possabilites how it can become allot more fun for the marker to read.

thats my 2 cents

[Kumo]

someone please give me cc...

[oipotty]

I've been giving a lot of cc, CC ME!

[Antagonist]

oip ill try to get to it after I check over papfles

however

I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED impressions on michi! if you wanna cc the whole post cool but if anyone is just willing to give some impressions of Michi thats all I ask!

[Kumo]

Iwao-sama, can we get my little sister before we go? she means more then the world to me... I wanna make her a summon some day so we'll always be together!

Michi Arita at six after he was picked up by Iwao: Iwao granted his request...

The Price of Gods Favor: Michi's reminder

The light from the seals continued to dance and the moon continued to shine yet Tenks with his "resolve" completely gone, was choking inside. The air was tension and to breath was to suffocate.

Michi Arita was a unique type in the bandit camp, one with almost a satanic friendliness: Tenks hated him fiercely yet he also enjoyed being around him. Michi wanted to make everyone happy... he just demanded everyone make him happy first: and despite the malice he was portraying right now, he loved Chalice and he desperately wanted to make her love him back. Just not at the expense of his or the bandits fun. It was the same with Tenks: although he might lay in the grass cloud-gazing with Tenks all afternoon, in the evening he could beat him ruthlessly on a whim.

Tenks: Arita Michi... why...

Michi: Ya, you two are pretty much small potatoes on Iwao Ohira's plate now, he's got some cool stuff planned, for the future and maybe for the past too. ku, ku, ku, you'd be amazed what the immortal can do Tenkzy-boi, what the immortal can do indeed Tenkzy-boi... what the immor...

Chalice: I dont suppose you could explain why you just contradicted yourself, you just said things are falling apart...

Tenks: how did you get in anyway...

Michi: I was talking! anyways Iwao isn't telling us what's going on right now so no one really knows, all I "knows" is its this is a reminder that we haven't forgot about you two.

Michi: (consider it a favor I convinced him to give you a little bit more "happy" time...)

Chalice: your losing your significance to his plans if hes not keeping you informed... your all just Iwao's pawns Michi... he's gonna kill you.

Michi: (I must stop her beautiful blasphemous mouth)

Michi: Kiss me my lovely Chaly!

Chalice:er, stay focused Michi...

Michi: ah right whatever, your all about rights and all that stuff now I 'spose. well I've gotta go rough a guy up in Kumo so I'll see you around... oh here is a present for you from Iwao by the way Tenks, he wants you to at least be a little fun when he gets around to coming for ya.

*Michi casually tosses over a clan scroll, which is quickly hit by a kunai from Chalice, both the kunai and the scroll disappear

Michi: wha? ku!

*Michi quickly teleports upon a tree as Chalice reaches his previous location in the Clearing, cutting the air with a furious slash

Chalice: ah so you took precautions

Michi: Crazy Lady!

Chalice: did you really think such a simple plan would work?

Michi: (simple? hehe)

Michi: nah I just wanted a kiss.

Chalice: !!!!!!!

*Michi Kawamiri's with Chalice's Kunai, his cock taking the place of the Kunai itself in her hand, he then reaches around her neck and kisses her full on the lips!

Michi: just like old times eh?

Chalice whispers sultrily: baa baa black sheep have you any...

Michi: ah thats a sexy voice ku ku, and a sexy song in my O Hell no concenteh.. um.. gah im lost

Michi fumbeles with the seals he was gonna preform behind her neck to escape but messes up, his mind dazed with a genjutsu... Chalice then brings a knee into his groin shadowed by an elbow to the side of his head, knocking Michi away. the following spinning back fist put him to the ground.

Michi: aaahhhhhhhhh fuck your good, I'm outta here, was worth it though ku, ku, ku! I always get what I want, hehe!

*Michi puffs into nothingness, the threat is gone!

Chalice: I think thats enough training for now Tenks... I didn't expect Iwao to be on our... oh Tenks come on now its alright!

*Tenks had curled up into a ball upon seeing Michi kiss Chalice. It had re-opened up the Pandora's box of Fury inside him yet again. His lips were bloody from chewing on them. His throat strapped from a horrible moan as if he was willing it to explode. Chalice lifted him and cradled him in his arms.

Chalice: oh my god Tenks its okay, its all okay! it's gonna be fine... Tenks, listen to me!

*They didn't leave that clearing that night, Chalice rocked Tenks back and forth till the sobbing started, then till the cursing started, and then till the uneasy sleep passed over him. although the dreams would trace every moment to an exaggerated proportion, the image would etch in his mind forever.

Chalice: Thus is the price of God's favor...

OOC: michi's only talents are teleporting and summoning and the like, so I think its reasonable that at B-rank he could kawamiri with a Kunai, considering hes very one dimentional

Ok... i could easily picture what your chars were doing and where everything was.

However i could not picture the enviorment this occured in. Was it on a hill? In a forest? A blighted landscape? You need to be more descriptive with it.

Also, the rules of kawarimi basically say you need an object of about your size to replace yourself with.

[Asschen-Sukar]

I could use some CC, after all, I'm quite new and I need to improve my role playing :)

training (http://forum.narutochaos.com/showthread.php?t=12837)

[Kumo]

I need cc... i've been asking for the last three or four damn pages... plz!!!

[Sol]

Ok... i could easily picture what your chars were doing and where everything was.

However i could not picture the enviorment this occured in. Was it on a hill? In a forest? A blighted landscape? You need to be more descriptive with it.

Also, the rules of kawarimi basically say you need an object of about your size to replace yourself with.

Bart proved that this requirement is not necessary. You only have to have either come in contact with the object, or have a direct line of sight on it.

[Kumo]

Bart proved that this requirement is not necessary. You only have to have either come in contact with the object, or have a direct line of sight on it....... oh :focus:

[oipotty]

OK, Dream Catcher.

I really enjoyed reading your first academy post, but your spoiler use is questionable. In PVP battles, spoilers are used to hide something your opponent cannot look at because his character's vision are hampered in some way, or he cannot perceive something as a result to something else. Your spoilers hide things that everyone can perceive, which might confuse people. Instead of saying, "Nobody was around him, so he assumed he might as well talk out loud." in spoilers, look at this:

"As he took a seat he looked around. He knew enough to understand that in a classroom environment, he wasn't supposed to speak out of turn, or so he had been told. Seeing no one around him, however, he wasn't bound by the manacles of etiquette and was at peace to talk out loud.*

Cool?

For the letter, I guess you can put it in spoilers.

[Eyeshield 21]

Oipotty, your fight with Neji 11 sucks ass.. its almost like u dont care..

[oipotty]

thanks, I appreciate that... who are you again?

[Hyuuga11]

LMAO...Well the fight was really boring, but my fight whit KS07, that was on fire.

[Lost Prophet]

okay, here I am.

I'm not looking for help with PvP, since I have that covered. I'm asking for some advice on narration and story writing (missions, encounters, training, etc.) If anyone is willing to give me an idea who knows what they are talking about, I would appreciate it.

Thanks.

[papfles]

Bart proved that this requirement is not necessary. You only have to have either come in contact with the object, or have a direct line of sight on it.

Could anyone confirm this, as I was told that kawarimi could only be done on objects that were rather close by, and not merely "in sight"

[Nick]

Could anyone confirm this, as I was told that kawarimi could only be done on objects that were rather close by, and not merely "in sight"

It's a grey area, but what I can say is that if Rp'ed well then you have nothing to worry about... You guys get too caught up on the surface and forget that the judges are actually watching very closely.q

[Nick]

As per request Sleepy:


Fukibari training. (http://forum.narutochaos.com/showthread.php?p=380858#post380858)

After reading the fukibari training I can see that you’re worth every bit of that Heaven scroll in your sig. Out of all the people that make short or medium training posts, it’s truly a crime when you do it. This was the kind of training that actually left me wanting to read more. You write with a very advanced narrative that the average reader in this community won’t recognize right away – this kinda makes you appear a bit bourgeois to me, but what the hell, flaunt it if you got it, right?

You included enough plot elements to make a simple piece interesting to read, you’ve probably even educated a few people as to what a fukibari actually is and its purpose.

It was an awesome touch on Daija’s success being fueled by rage by the way. It reminded me of one too many scenes from Star Wars where a character was tempted to give in to their anger and hate in order to unlock higher power. I know what you wrote wasn’t anything like that but it was enough to get my emotions stirred up enough to conjure the images.

What I could recommend on a piece of this level is that you practice a bit more 'Show, don’t tell'. I understand this technique is rather difficult when using character’s with a ninja’s laid back personality. But I’m sure if you thought about it hard enough you can come up with a way to get more of a reaction from your secondary character(s)… Also, I fully take into consideration that the reason there wasn’t a bigger reaction to Daija’s success was because his victory could be considered a small one considering that he only got one needle out of so many to hit its target. – But when you asked me for CC on a piece that’s too short to analyze and presented in good form like this, there’s very little I could think of to improve upon it some more.





Fukibari w/increased speed. (http://forum.narutochaos.com/showthread.php?p=384834#post384834)

Your most recent training was just as good if not better. You really warm the reader up like a pro in the first third (or act) of you your writing. I doubt very many people here could actually recognize this yet you do it anyway. This shows that you take pride in what you do. Again, my only problem with this was that it’s too short. But then, at the same time I can see that the cause and effect you were able to create with the piece may have been lost in the delivery if it was too long. I wonder if this was by chance or if you planned it that way. Are you some kind of hidden genius sitting behind that key board, or an idiot savant that can just churn out work without effort? I think I’ve always wondered that about you since I read your writing for the first time a few months ago. Judging by your ethic and motivation it’s hard to tell sometimes.

I really enjoyed this and I wonder if you are just too busy in your personal life to train and RP more or if you’ve just lost motivation like I have.

The way you distracted the reader by suddenly putting their attention on Rika’s body, which you kept shrouded in enough mystery to make me wonder, and then suddenly have her turn deadly and playfully violent was enough to make anyone want to continue towards the end. This whole piece could’ve sucked balls and been written by anyone else and that scene would have made me hang in there toward the end. It was the best use of ‘hooking’ the reader in the opening act I’ve seen in a while. Bravo. Seriously.

[Davis]

http://forum.narutochaos.com/showthread.php?p=444056#post444056

my new mission, tho i only have one post so far, and its written in present tense.

[Azure Wrath]

i thought you quit davis?

[Asschen-Sukar]

my first fight ever (http://forum.narutochaos.com/showthread.php?t=12577)

I'd like to have some cc, it was my first fight and I want to get better :)

[Shinobi Of The Abyss]

First Mission Post With Tahjin (http://forum.narutochaos.com/showpost.php?p=454191&postcount=1)

[Kumo]

i'd like CC too... my writing just doesn't feel right...

Edit: ok, here's something... Someone gave me a challenge... write a paragraph about someone dropping red paint on somebody and make it interesting for the writer and reader... so i did.

In the semi-darkness below, as mist shrouded the street, a man in a plain white shirt and a top hat came walking down the street, his head buried in a copy of Crime and Punishment. He was wearing shades even though it was late at night and he was muttering to himself as he went...

"Quart of milk, loaf of bread, pound of sugar, stick of butter, apple juice... Quart of milk, loaf of bread, pound of sugar, stick of butter, apple juice..."

In the darkness, on a roof two stories up, a boy with untidy black hair leaned over the side, looking only with his eyes. Next to him was a can of red paint. He chuckled.

"Finally... this shade of red ain't really my style anyway..." Kumomaru remarked to himself.

The man walked under, near the best position. Kumomaru felt his heart pound with the rush pranking someone always gave him.

The man seemed to finish the chapter, and decide the dead of night wasn't a good time to read a book wearing sunglasses. He marked the book, leaned down to put it in his bag...

And red paint splattered all over him. He jumped up, yelling.

"YOU BRAT!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!"

But Kumomaru was already gone, laughing as he went across rooftops, heading towards Ojisan's forge. He needed to pick up an order for his sensei.:bump: plz... cc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[oipotty]

Subjective and Objective


Hey VRR... you told me to CC your writing so here I am!

First of all, I am basing this off of your training thread as a whole, not one particular post. I find that description is one of your strong points, and I commend you for that. I'll just add one point for you to think about when you are writing.

Objective Writing

This is basically realism. Describe everything: the trees, birds, grass, etc. Your style of description leans towards Objective Writing. That is not a bad thing, but I'm going to expand the horizon a little. Your character is an extremely complex one. He has so many emotions for you to portray. Let's say that Tenks just lost a battle, and is wandering down a hill, looking upon a very old tree. You can use Objective Writing, and describe it like this:


As Tenks, after his lost battle, strode down a grassy hill with tears brimming at his eyes, he came upon an old tree. The tree's branches were gnarled at points and the bark hung to the tree loosely. However, the tree's firm foundation was as strong as ever, holding to the ground like one that refused to die.


Now, you can write everything how it really is, or you can use... Subjective Writing. Tenks, like you mentioned, is an emotional character. If he's sad, you can look at the world around him like he would see it...


Tenks, infuriated and depressed, marched down a overly grassy hill, tears relentlessly streaming down his eyes. His stomps upon the ground cause dirt to spray around the field. He glared upon a tree that impeded him from his destination, the tree's bark ready to fall and the gnarled branches ready to die. The shadow was like an old man, restlessly waiting for peace at long last.


What if Tenks was in a happy mood?


Whistling merrily, Tenks meandered down a hill of lush grass, a few steps, then a hop. His amiable attitude would attract anyone's attention. Suddenly, he came upon a tree, who's years were longer than most. The sturdy branches of the tree, branched all the way up, into the clear blue sky, the shadow, casting refreshing shades across the field.


Now, that is something for you to think about... in the future, do you want to use subjective or objective writing... or a mixture of both?

[Kumo]

my first fight ever (http://forum.narutochaos.com/showthread.php?t=12577)

I'd like to have some cc, it was my first fight and I want to get better :)ok, here, let me try this...

Overall, you simply need to improve on sentence structure. For most of your first post you connected everything with commas, you got better on that towards the end of it, but it still needs work.

After that i noticed that you would mix a sentence up, and that's ok, cuz nobody here writes perfect (with the possible exception of Azure), but you need to connect your sentences better, so that they flow. For instance, in your second post, you said...


A boy that was entirely dressed in black stood in the entrance, blocking the light with his body, making his shape perfectly visible for anyone inside the cave, his black clothes however, would make him almost invisible in the darkness surrounding Junlan. The red-haired boy understood that now was a perfect time to observe his opponent, as he himself was still invisible in the dark, an advantage he’d lose the moment his opponent entered.This could flow better. Also, you could change the words around and add some more punctuation so that it spices it up, but still gets the point across.
A boy entirely in black stood at the entrance to the cave, simultaneously blocking the light and making his shape perfectly visible for anyone inside the cave. Unfortuneatly for Junlan, his black clothes would make him almost invisible the second he entered the cave's almost total darkness. The auburn-haired boy realized he had the perfect chance to guage his opponent, since he was still invisible. However he would need to hurry, since he would lose this momentary advantage the moment his opponent stepped inside.See the difference? Try to link your sentences better. It'll help improve your writing.

[sakurachanhaha]

-The day was young, very young. Naiomi had just returned to her house, from a local boutique. She was content that she was able to go shopping on the day. Naiomi set the bag onto her bed and decided to go out for a morning stroll. While on this stroll the sun had glared in her eyes the whole time, it was very irratating and she was fed up with it. She turned down an alley, only to be approached by a stange man, with some weird clothes on. This man was holding a large scroll and a gigantic net in his hands. Indeed he had appeared very queer to Naiomi, was he joking, was he one of those child rapists attempting to catch her with a giant net? That was her main thought, she couldn't think of any other reason why someone would carry around a very large net with them. Certainly he would have had to be joking though, Naiomi could have just used the replacement jutsu to escape from the net. Even if she didn't try and use the replacement jutsu, her good old friend gravity would have made the net break from her body weight anyways. As Naiomi got into a fighting stance, the man dropped his net and threw the scroll towards Naiomi. Reluctant to pick it up the man insisted that she did as he gave her some verbal clues to do so.-

???: Pick it up and read it please.

Naiomi: Why?

???: Do I appear strange to you?

Naiomi: Well... I don't mean to be mean but... Anyone carrying a gigantic net for no reason in my mind is a queer. You don't really see to many people everyday carrying big nets around with them do you?

???: I'm a Zoo Keeper... now please read the scroll.

-Naiomi did what he told her to do, she bent her knees down and kept her eyes on the so called "Zoo Keeper". She didn't want him to try anything funny while she was in a position, that he could do something to her. She extended her arm and pulled the collosal scroll closer to her. She unrolled the scroll and noticed something very odd. She had heard about it one time that the Raikage uses a different kind of paper, so ninja could tell wether or not he was actully sending something to them. The paper was made out of a special fabric and had a smooth feeling to it. The Hokage's seal was marked onto the scroll, she knew now that this was something official. She focused most of her attention onto the scroll ad began to read the text.-

Title: Lion and Tiger and Gorillas? OH MY!

Rank: C

Pay: $125

Participants: Naiomi and the Zoo keeper.

In Depth Info: Recenty 4 giant Gorillas have, A male lion and a female tiger have escaped inside a zoo. The zoo has evacuted many of the visitors but is not sure if everyone has been evauated. Make sure no one is harmed and evacuated, plus capture all 6 of the deadly animals.

Naiomi: Gotcha... so you really are a Zookeeper... I must appologize, I actully though you were going to try and kidnap me. I'll need some more information though if i'm going to help you... First are the Animals Locked inside of the zoo? Second are the people evacuated far away from the zoo and finally how are we supposed to capture the animals?

Zoo Keeper: I accept your apology, but let's get down to buisness. First of all yes all of the animals are locked inside of the zoo, they won't be able to get out. Yes everyone is evacuated away from the zoo, but we don't know yet if there are still people locked inside. How to capture the animals though... hmm... I'm not entirely sure, we ran out of tranquilizers days ago. I guess we will have to figure that out on our own. Now let's get moving, there is no time to waste.

-As the pair dispatched towards the vacant zoo thoughts rushed through Naiomi's mind. She was hoping that everyone evacuated safely, she didn't want any deaths. She was also wondering about how she was planning to capture the animals, maybe if she could lead them back into their cages it would work. She had no idea how she was planning to lure the rabid animals, it bothered her that they had no plan when going into the situation and they really needed a plan.-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need CC please help me with anything you can ^_^. I don't care if it's one word or the whole entire thing ^_^

[i_feel_tiredsleepy]

-As the pair dispatched towards the vacant zoo thoughts rushed through Naiomi's mind. She was hoping that everyone evacuated safely, she didn't want any deaths. She was also wondering about how she was planning to capture the animals, maybe if she could lead them back into their cages it would work. She had no idea how she was planning to lure the rabid animals, it bothered her that they had no plan when going into the situation and they really needed a plan.-

I thought the entire thing was quite good, maybe you could improve by using less repetitive sentence structure.

i.e.

She was hoping that everyone had evacuated safely, the thought of any deaths disturbed her. Plots of how to capture the animals circulated through her head as she wondered how they were going to fix this mess; they had no plan, and she hated going in blind.

Starting every sentence with "she" makes the paragraph look like it was written in point form, it is a great starting point, you just have to go back and reshape the sentences until they just have more flare and read better.

[Hyuuga11]

Hello everyone just passing to say hi...Well HI!!!

[Azure Wrath]

Ok, here's my CC for the VRR's RP'ing, in my fight with him:


-----------------------------------------

Ok, so if i was judging the fight, there would have been a few things that would have costed you points, IMO.

First off... a veggie burger? you deserved to die, just for that!
Secondly, on a more serious note... The dodges. Usually, one takes a few hits (without making them seem crap) in a fight, especially if it's hard to dodge them. Personally, i felt you dodged some of the hits rather easily/miraculously, which was a bit hindering. I felt that i took a decent amount of damage, yet you didn't take that much, which made me feel a bit 'cheated'.
Thirdly... i dunno if i missed it, but after the fight was over, i read through your spoilers and i couldn't see anything about the explosive tags being on your hookswords.
Fourth... that last post... in my opinion (it may just be because it was done to Anry, my little baby), i saw that last post as a shimmering example of godmodding (and of an anticlimax ), which was mildly offensive, as after making a heavily serious post, it is suddenly negated by making my character seem like a moron/ragdoll.
Fifth... the henge'ing... i dunno if this has been settled yet, but i DO know it needs to be settled soon. Does the user inherit the henge'd object's abilities/traits? If so, then if you henge into a bird, you can fly.... but then, why not henge into the 4th? I'm not the jutsu expert, but the henge issue needs to be sorted out.

And... i believe that is that.

But, some good points:
First off, your attacks were really good, nice and ruthless. I felt threatened throughout the whole fight, which was great
Secondly, you portrayed your character's personality and story really well.
Third, your actually writing was really good, bar one or two spots where you had really long sentances that made it hard to follow. But in general, the writing was awesome, making the fight a very vivid read.
Fourth, all the traps/precautions you took were very well thought out. Afterwards, when i read about the electric cabel in the water, i had this sudden bump in my chest... and a divine appreciation for the fact that i neglected the lake between us in the beginning.
Fifth, you combine things very well... the use of explosive tags and kunai and hookswords... it was all really good, very impressive.

So... yeah, that's MY verdict of the fight, that's what i would have said about your RP'ing if i had judged it. Your RP'ing has a very 'loose', unorthodox feel to it, which is really interesting (However, the last post stepped over a line, in my tastes... but im sure, if it had happened to someone else, i would have lmao'd). You have a veru unique style of RP'ing, which is great. Harnass it and it's boundries and you will be rather unstoppable.

Advice for the next fight? Try not to confuse the reader. Some things may lead to confusion. Don't write TOO long sentences, it could be hard to read. Beware with the para-armour, beware that it doesn't godmod. Seeign that it was the last post, i can understand that there was little point in saying it 'would' happen, but still. And, most importantly, for me... take hits. It is an AWESOME way to make your character look badass! Burns, holes, all that is hardcore and shows that you know when you deserve to be hit. I knew that there was little way out of the explosion... so i took it. Badly. Anry will b in the hospital for a while now thanx to that. >_<

So... that's all i have to offer for now. Feel free to comment on my CC. You, are anyone.

EDIT:
Just checked about the henge jutsu. When you transform into items/objects, you do not gain the attributes of the abject. thus, you cannot fly if you transformed into a bird, nor do you gain the strength of a bear when transforming into a bear.

[Antagonist]

first of all, i have time for response atm but not for my cc so I will give you my response for now

first of all, Nick okayed the henge so I can't be held responsible for that

as far as the dodges, you will notice I take quite a bit of damage usually in fights as I love the intensity it adds. however, mostly due to luck (not passive altercation) I had a perfect escape to pretty much every one of your attacks. their was no good reason for me to ever really take damage

for example, I already went over the point sol made in the judgement on that one incredible dodge he outlined and he agreed in hindsight that it was more then fair and his point subtraction had been wrong. basically tenks was in the process of blowing up the explosive note on the door when you blew yours up. he was completely oblivious to the kunai and hari and escaped unharmed only due to coincidence.

although I shall make such coincidence dodges more clear in the future... and ya, somehow the hooksword explosive tags got lost in translation

you cannot imagine just how generous I was with that particular case of para armor usage. in fact para armor in that particular case should have been quickly lethal and negated your whole post.

of course you didn't know about the lethal aspect but I don't know how I can't god-mod reactions whenever my opponent refuses to RP some sort of effects on themselves. how many days could Anry have continued that level of ridiculously excessive movement without feeling even the slightest effect?

I guess technically i should just have ended the fight and told the judges your last post was more then impossible even under regular para armor standards and in fact that Anry should technically have died rather quickly because that was a particularly lethal form of para armor as it was inside anry: rapidly weighing down her adrenaline pumped innards (heart, lungs, etc)

but alas, i didn't want to negate your whole post so I just rp'ed para armor as an FFF-rank jutsu so that no part of your post was negated because i understand how important it was to your story

ridiculous bunshin use, all seeing eyes, and much more coming up soon!

[Kumo]

OOC: thanks Azure ^^

The Raikage watched as the man walked out of his office and slowly let the oak door shut behind him. There was a tiny ‘click’ as the doorknob slid into place as well.

He sighed and looked at the scroll in his hand. It was labeled D-rank and had a seal on the end. The specifics of the mission were already tucked into the corner of his brain. He knew exactly what was going to happen, the dangers of the mission (none), and why he was being given a fair amount of money for this job. He had a Shinobi already picked out for the job. He hadn’t done any missions yet but he seemed like he would be good for it. Raikage-sama knew nothing of the boy’s past before entering Kumogakurue but knew full well of his life inside, and it seemed innocent enough, aside from a lack of people and social skills.

He buzzed up one of his ANBU (I don’t know if they’re called something else in Kumogakurue) and told him to deliver the mission scroll to the shinobi called Fuyumi Arata.

The ANBU nodded, his face straight behind his hawk mask, and used shunshin to leave the room. The Raikage sighed and looked at the next mission.

“Hmmm… ‘Help a prostitute with her job…’” The Raikage grinned. “MINE!!”

(Sorry, that was an attempt at humor… not very good, but meh…)

-

The ANBU arrived at Arata’s little clearing to find him snoring in his tree. The boy’s hair had been slightly windswept, and the combination of the wood’s light falling over his eyes gave him the appearance of a having a raccoon’s mask. The green foliage above seemed to rustle as a few leaves flaked off the trees. They landed on Arata’s face, prompting him to awaken.

Unfortunately the ANBU chose this moment, in the area of half sleep, to shout, “Fuyumi Arata! I have a message for you!” at the top of his lungs.

Arata shouted in surprise and tried to stand up to face an attacker, but since the branch he was on wasn’t very thick he ended up with his feet on open air.

There was a Wile E. Coyote moment, as he moved his legs frantically trying to run, but ended up falling. Unfortunately the branch was still in the middle.

He fell off of the branch, and landed on the ground. Fortunately he hadn’t been that far up and had landed on his side so nothing important was damaged, except maybe his pride… and his ribcage, but nothing was broken.

The ANBU had a large sweatdrop on his head. ‘I hope Raikage-sama knows what he’s doing…’

“Kid… you have a mission, D rank, to begin immediately.”

Arata looked up and rubbed his right eye. “When?” He asked as the scroll plopped in front of him, causing dirt to be displaced from the ground around his head.

“… I said, ‘to begin immediately’. It means, GET GOING!!”

“I was asking you to repeat, dumbass.”

“…What did you say?”

“Uh… I meant ma’am- sir- t-taichou?!”

Arata had no idea a person could throw a redwood that far.

The ANBU had no idea someone could scream that loud.

-

“Let’s see… Roko Theatre of the arts… Eight fourty seven Ryuudou court…” Arata muttered, looking alternately between street signs and the scroll. The people surging around him paid him no heed, but that was to be expected. Arata had seen far less attentive people and it didn’t bother him at all.

He checked again on a road that led down about two hundred yards and ended in a coul-de-sack. The trees on the side were tall, and, as usual around this place, were so close to the road you could’ve gotten out of your car and touched them with your foot still inside. The road seemed to stretch into the distance, leading to a large, bronze building. It was rectangular, and it was…

Well, let’s just say whoever had asked for this job as an actor should’ve asked for help remodeling. The place had windows that probably looked pretty a couple years back, but you could still see the holes from the rocks thrown at the place. The bricks were so loose you could have knocked them down with a paperclip, and the antennae fell off as Arata approached and pierced the concrete next to him.

He walked up to the building and checked the address.

“Let’s see… nope, wrong place. Maybe it’ll be the next street…”

He turned on his left heel and walked away.

Constructive Criticism! PWEEEEZ!